


Riptide

by moonprisms



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/M, Modern Girl in Thedas, NSFW Chapters, Sex, Smut, Suicide, TW:Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-10
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-04-03 18:04:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 32,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4110091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonprisms/pseuds/moonprisms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>*Modern Girl in Thedas theme*</p><p>Stella's suicide attempt doesn't go quite as planned. Instead of an end, she finds a new beginning in a familiar place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The End

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Suicide
> 
> Disclaimer: DA belongs to BioWare, not to me. I'm pretty sure my bank account can confirm.

 

The way I see it, deciding to die is much like planning to move to another country . There are things to pack up, notices of termination  to give to the appropriate service companies, and once all your affairs are in order, telling the friends and family who care. My head may have been a complete mess, but I did appreciate a high level of tidiness in my physical life. I had already committed to the  idea of one selfish act, it would be really too much to ask my loved ones to have to deal with all the clutter in the aftermath of my death as well.

I had gotten to a point in my life where I felt nothing. I had gone through depression, sure. I had cried my heart out alone at night, terrified of the murky future. I had bitten my nails to the cuticle from anxiety. I had lain in bed for days, ignoring the phone, forgetting to eat. I was 24, just out of college in a horrible economy, and faced with student loans and a bleak job market. Instead of feeling young and vibrant, I felt like a thousand year old hag. I was spent, I felt nothing anymore.

It had gone on like this for a fair while. The disappointment of not finding a job in my field paired with the disappointment from my parents was crippling. I failed everyone around me. My friends were moving on with their lives, getting married, and I was at my computer at 2 am playing video games.

That was my one saving grace, I suppose.

I loved Dragon Age.

I had played through Origins, DA:II, and felt an unfamiliar sense of excitement when Inquisition finally came out. 

I knew the storylines by heart and had even spent one rainy afternoon in the bookstore reading  _ The World of Thedas Vol 1.  _ and  _ Vol 2. _

It wasn't even just the fantasy element or the fact that for hours I could forget about how shitty my life was.

The romance aspect was more than half of the reason I was so hooked. It filled a huge hole in my life, the lack of someone IRL who loved me. I could pretend that Solas did in fact find me beautiful and a  rare spirit. 

I spent hours talking to him, exhausting every conversation option I had. I loved the way he took on an enthusiastic professor's tone when he answered my questions. I fell in love with his voice, his mannerisms, the way he was so goddamned silvertongued. I fought with him in every region of  Thedas , I danced with him at Halamshiral, and I spent too much time in that tiny little rotunda of his.

And then he broke up with me.

I sat there staring at the screen torn between screaming and laughing.

_ Seriously?? _

Being rejected by a goddamn video game character was the cherry on top.

To the outside viewer, it would seem like I killed myself over a virtual  breakup . But the truth was that Solas' breakup was just the catalyst really.

 Everything in my life had been building up to that Thursday afternoon where I got into my bathtub for what I assumed to be the last time. I guess your life does sort of flash before you- all the failures and shortcomings at least. My dad's scowling face as I told him I wasn't going into medicine, my ex-fiancee's face when he told me he just couldn't deal with me and my depression anymore, my sister asking me if I'd gotten a  real  job yet. Each thought came and went and left me feeling more sure of my decision.

The water was warm when I got in. I thought it would be poetic, something like _"_ _and death's warm embrace welcomed her"_.  I picked up the razor from the side of the tub and turned my wrist over, studying the blue veins intently. It was so crazy to think just how one swipe was all it took. 

How the fuck do humans survive for as long as they do when all it takes is  a thin piece of metal and the right vein?

I paused. 

Was this really it? 24 years of avoiding thin pieces of metal and protecting the right veins, and for what?

But the swarm of thoughts and hopelessness stirred.

My dad comparing me to someone else's Harvard graduate kid. My  fiancee  telling me that I didn't make him happy anymore. My friends' pitying looks when I told them I was working in a bookstore in the meantime. 

It was like being stuck in a riptide. Once the current of negativity yanked me in, there was no hope in swimming against it. I had been fighting so hard to keep my head above the water for the last few years, and I was exhausted. I was never going to reach shore. 

I gave up and let it pull me under.

_ Slit. _

I dragged the razor up, and plunged my arm under the water.

I wanted to forget. I wanted so badly to forget this life that I had fucked up. I wanted to scrap it like a bad playthrough of Dragon Age and make better player choices in the next. If there was a next.

I don't know if it hurt. I can't really remember the physical aspect because I was so caught up in all my hopes and wishes and melancholy. 

I do know that my consciousness was slipping though. And then my body was slipping. I felt the warm kiss of the water as my head slid under the surface. 

I wondered which religion got it right.

An absurd thought came up then. It was Solas in Crestwood, backing away from me.

_ In another world perhaps... _

And then this one slipped away from me.


	2. The Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Stella is left wondering if she's in heaven or hell

 

The blackness was slowly receding and I could hear the sound of people, slow and thick like syrup. 

There was a jolt in my stomach- _ if spirits even have a stomach _ -when I realized that I must be arriving in the afterlife.

I wondered briefly if it was to be heaven or hell. From what I recall, suicide wasn't exactly a ticket through the pearly gates.

"Are you absolutely sure?" said the first voice, a woman.

My eyes remained closed but my hearing was becoming sharper.

"Of course I'm sure. How can you possibly mistake something like that? I saw her fall through the rift." replied a man.

_ The rift? _

"How is that even possible? A  human coming through the rift? Assuming she is human."

_ Er.. _

I slowly opened my eyes, hoping not to be blinded by fire or white light.

Instead, I was met by the soft, golden glow of torches. I seemed to be in a cottage or cabin of sorts. I turned my head slowly to the side to look at the speakers.

I couldn't make out the woman's face as a hood covered her head. The man across from her was wearing long robes, reminiscent of a game healer. His hair was trimmed short to the scalp, a contrast to his full, dark beard.  Behind them were shelves upon shelves of bottles and jars of dried herbs. 

They seemed like normal people. I thought angels were supposed to be all ethereal.

"Hello."

The woman jumped and the man's head snapped in my direction.

"You're awake!"

I tried to sit up but a sudden ache jolted my right arm when I tried to move it. I looked to see it heavily bandaged. Perhaps I would have to wear the shame of what I did for all eternity?

"Is this like..purgatory or something?"

The man's brow furrowed. "Purgatory?"

The woman turned, keeping her head down, so her features were indistinguishable through the covering of the hood.

"Do you remember what happened?"

Something like deja-vu washed over me. Her voice sounded so familiar...

"I...well. I was in the bath tub.."

"The bath tub ? You fell through a rift." she said, her face still hidden.

The man shifted behind her, his arms still folded. He was gazing at my bandaged arm.

"You took a nasty cut when you came through. Lucky for you that it was me who found you. Scared the hell out of me, but I managed to get some potion in you in time to stop you from bleeding out."

My head felt foggy as I slowly processed their words. Perhaps this was some weird afterlife thing. Some strange initiation before they took me to whatever place the dead went?

"Is that..normal? For dead people? Was I supposed to come here through some other way? Or is it because I-"

"Dead people?" the woman cut in. "You are  _not_   dead. Adan saved your life."

_ Adan... _

Something was tickling my brain but I was in such a state of confusion that I  couldn't pick it out.

"What do you mean I'm not dead? If I'm not dead, where the hell am I? How did I get here?" I asked, my voice tinged with a bit of hysteria.

"That is the question, isn't it."

Maybe I was still dying, I reasoned. I knew people often hallucinated when they were drowning. Perhaps I was in the final throes now. I remember my head slipping under the surface of the water and my consciousness flickering. 

But everything seemed so clear here. I could see the fine details in ways that I hadn't been able to even in my most lucid dreams.

Or maybe this was hell. Maybe they were going to toy with my mind until I went insane and could take no more. Maybe I'd go around in circles for all eternity trying to figure out if I was dead or not.

_ Oh god... _

"What is this place?" I asked.

"This is Haven." the woman replied.

"Heaven?"

"No," she said, her fingers reach up to the edge of the hood and pulling it down, "Haven."

My breath caught as the torchlight danced across her red hair. 

This is all because I thought about that stupid quote. Now my last images are going to be of freaking Dragon Age. 

"Leliana."

Her vivid eyes flashed at that. Behind her, Adan stopped sifting through his potions and looked back at me.

"How do you..? A spy. You were sent by the enemy to spy on us. Oh yes, I know this story quite well. A poor, injured girl is found by an agent of the Inquisition and she-"

"Please!" I cried, putting my good hand up to stop her. "I am not a spy, Leliana. I don't know how I got here! I was in my bath tub one moment and then I was waking up on this cot. I am not an enemy, just merely...an observer. I have seen things. I have aided you since the Blight..."

"Aided since the Blight? Are you a spirit then?"

"No, I-"

"Bring me Solas." she said abruptly, turning to Adan. "We shall see the truth of this momentarily."

Adan hurried out to find Solas and I sat there, my brain whirling at a mile a minute. 

I hoped that the end would come soon. But there was something extremely unnerving about the way the rough wool blanket scratched my skin and the dull, throbbing pain in my arm continued. It felt too real. I inhaled deeply, the scent of torch smoke and winter air filling me. I never remembered a dream or hallucination that felt so real, that engaged all of my senses like this. I began to feel a sinking sensation in my stomach.

The door opening and the rush of cold air pulled me from my thoughts.

A tall, slender figure entered the room. I must have looked a fool the way I stared at him. I had only ever seen him through the screen, and though I had a great graphics card, there was always something a bit plasticky about the way he looked. 

But here he was, in the actual flesh. Flesh that was beautiful and real and I could practically hear the rush of blood in his veins as my eyes traveled up his arms, neck, and to his face. His chin was sharp and pointed as portrayed, but without the cartoonish proportions. I could make out the flecks of fair hair that showed he hadn't shaven since that morning.  His lips were full, the skin soft a nd a dusky rose color. Impossibly high cheek bones. Eyebrows that were that tawny color, not furrowed so severely in real life. 

But it was his eyes that I couldn't pull away from. There was life in them, not the dull glaze of AI. They were a stormy sapphire blue that changed this way and that when the torchlight flickered. 

I opened my mouth as if to speak, but no words came out.

His eyes fell on me, regarding me for a moment, before he swept his gaze to Leliana.

"I was told there was an urgent matter at hand."

Leliana did not look at him, however. She was studying me intently, as if trying to decipher something.

"This woman fell out of a rift. She claims she does not know how she got here. She also claims to know things and says she guided me through the Blight."

Solas' eyes flicked back to me, giving me a calculating look.

"You believe she is a spirit then?"

"I don't know  what  to believe." Leliana said tersely.

He came to me, slowly, as if approaching an animal for the first time and trying to show that he meant no harm. He crouched by the bedside, and one hand came to my cheek.

I froze. 

How many times had I imagined this very thing? How many times had I closed my eyes and imagined his hands..

_ Oh! _

I recoiled as I felt a sudden spark.

Solas stood up and turned back to Leliana.

"She is not a spirit. She is a human, with no magic that I can trace."

"And you are sure of this?"

"Positive."

Leliana turned back to regard me. 

"You say you have seen things. That you guided me. Explain."

How the fuck was I supposed to explain? How do you seriously explain computers or games or even basic electricity to someone from a medieval mindset?

"In my world there's this..box." I began lamely.

 A box. Seriously?

They waited for me to continue.

"Everyone has this box. It's sort of like..a foci." I said, quickly glancing at Solas.

His brow furrowed ever so slightly, but his face remained a mask.

"The box allows us to see things in other worlds. We can know their histories, their stories, and their futures. We can explore their worlds as observers, never there physically. We can.." I struggled to find a way to explain about player characters. 

"We can send them heroes. And we act through these heroes in order to help shape their world."

Leliana's face was unreadable, but  Adan  was standing behind her looking as if he were hanging on to every word. I didn't dare look at Solas.

"Why should I believe you?" Leliana asked, an edge to her voice.

"When have you ever heard anything like that?" I challenged. "Honestly, who would send a girl with no skills and no magic through a rift to be a spy?"

"She has a point." Adan murmured.

"Assuming I believe you- are you claiming that it was you who sent us the Hero of Ferelden? That it was you who guided her towards our victory?"

"And Hawke.  And the woman you currently call The Herald of Andraste." I said.

I was beginning to feel a slight panic. I was certainly making a lot of claims here, but had no tangible proof of any of it. What if they decided to just kill me for being a spy?

_Ah, but did you not go seeking death earlier in the day?_   a voice whispered in my head.

I recounted events from the Blight, both personal and not. I detailed Leliana's brief romance with the Warden before she ended up with Alistair. I gave details about the Dark Ritual between the Warden, Morrigan, and Alistair. I named her son, Kieran. I gave names, details, descriptions of all I could in order to prove my story. I gave names of the ones who had joined the Inquisition thus far, things I wouldn't have known since I had been here for a day and unconscious at that.

"Blackwall?" Leliana asked.

Oh, perhaps not yet then.

"You'll receive information about him soon and send Leires to recruit him."

In the end, she seemed convinced enough.

"You will remain with us. You must understand, you are quite a liability. If word got out of your...abilities...then the enemy would make haste to capture you and use your knowledge of the future to their advantage."

I nodded and lay back on the cot. My arm was becoming more and more painful.

Adan tipped another potion to my lips to help with the pain.

"One more thing." Leliana said as she paused at the door.

"Yes?"

"Your name."

"Oh. It's Stella."

She left without another word.

"You'll be alright for a bit? I've got to go do some rounds and make sure the other injured are being cared for properly. Would kill to have some proper healers here..." Adan said as he collected a mass of potions.

"I'll be alright, thank you." I said.

He nodded and left, leaving me with Solas.

He had not moved from his spot against the wall. I could practically hear the cogs in his head turning. He must know that I knew about him.

"Yes." I said, closing my eyes as I lay back and felt the potion working against the pain. "I know about you."

"What is it you think you know?" came his voice, low and dangerous.

I suppressed a shiver.

"It was your doing."

Silence. I wanted to peek at him so badly to see his expression, but my eyelids felt so heavy.

"You who sealed the rest of your pantheon away in youthful recklessness. You blame yourself for the fallout, the demise of the elven empire. You slept for a thousand years, and when you awoke you gave your foci to the Tevinter magister, thinking perhaps he could help unlock what you were too weak to. But it all went wrong, didn't it. And now there's a giant hole in the sky and rifts scattered across the land."

My eyes snapped open as I heard his rapid step.

I sat up and faced him, my eyes falling to the faint snares of purple lightning that trailed up his arm.

"Are you going to kill me, Fen Harel?"

The lightning was gone.

His shoulders seemed to sag a bit and a flash of sorrow was in his eyes.

I remembered how guilty he sounded in that final seen with Flemeth. The weight of it all must be crippling.

I reached out with my good arm and touched his hand. It was warm, soft,  real.

"Don't worry, Solas. I do not intend to expose your secret. I have seen what will come, and I only wish to help you. No one but me will know you are anything but an elven apostate hobo."

His eyebrow twitched at that and I couldn't help but smile. 

"Against perhaps my better judgment , I will trust you.  And when you are feeling better, I hope to talk more. I am interested in this world of yours."

"And you can tell me all about the Fade."

His fingers gently pushed my shoulder back down and I closed my eyes. I felt the cold wind and then the door was closing behind him.

There was something roiling in my stomach that hadn't been there in so long.

I dared to think it was hope.


	3. If Introductions are to be had

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Stella finds a place in the Inquisition.

The next few weeks were spent getting acquainted with the rest of the Inquisition. The ones who were present, anyway. The Inquisitor herself, along with Varric, Cassandra, and Vivienne were off in the Storm Coast,  presumabl y  getting done recruiting Bull and the Chargers.

I awaited their arrival with a mixture  of excitement and nervousness. I was nervous for how I would be received. Though it had helped that both Leliana and Solas vouched for me, I could tell the others felt uneasy. They called me a Seer and I could practically see them shrink away when I looked at them, no doubt thinking that I could see their every little secret.

Truthfully, I didn't mind  _too_   much. It gave me some sort of sway here. If they thought I had power, let them. If it gained me a place and some respect, so be it. God knows I had nothing else to bring to the table.

And as for my excitement...

The Inquisitor was something like a child of mine. I had spent a good two hours in character select getting her down right. She was a lithe Dalish mage, with eyes of violet and gold. Her hair was pure white, pulled back into a ponytail with two pieces of hair framing her high-cheekboned face. I'd be lying if I said I didn't model her with Daenerys Targaryen in mind, and I almost  _had_ named her Dany, but decided it was too nerdy at the last minute. She was my third playthrough and second Dalish elf. I made her right after the playthrough when Solas broke up with me, because some sick part of me wanted to do it all over again.

I was dying to see her in person, this strange extension of myself.

My arm had healed with the help of Adan but it left behind an ugly scar. I didn't allow myself time to think about what had happened. It didn't make sense whenever I had started to ruminate those first few days I lay in bed. I had no answers, no real speculations either. And I had not told anyone why I was in my bathtub that day, nor the origin of the cut. They had assumed, like Adan, that it was a result of being pulled through the rift. I let them think that, too ashamed to tell anyone the truth. 

When I wasn't helping around in Haven and wasn't advising the War Council based on my future knowledge, I found myself following a familiar path to the cabin next to Adan's. 

Solas was there, in true game fashion, though he didn't stand in the snow for hours on end. He was usually inside the little cabin that served as his living quarters, often poring over books or old maps. 

The first day I had sought him out I knocked on the door timidly, afraid he would also wish to keep his distance like the others had. But he had let me in and once the initial awkwardness passed, we fell into easy conversation. I already knew much through game wikis, but it was still so wonderful to hear him talk for hours. We traded stories, him telling me things about the Fade, or stories of places he had visited, and I told him (to the best of my ability, for explaining technology pretty hard) stories of my world. Sometimes, I'd tell him stories out of Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones, or even other video games I had played. I always told him that these were things I had seen with my computer (which he understood as the magical box we would view other worlds with). He was fascinated by our ability to stick our heads into all these different worlds and help shape some of them. I was just fascinated by him.

"And you say in these other worlds, this Middle Earth, that elves are a powerful people?" he asked me one evening after I had told him about Elrond and Galadriel.

"Well yes. Elves are generally regarded as more advanced than humans. Only in one other world, the one with the boy Harry I told you about, are they slaves. But those elves aren't elves like you and Lavellan. They're more like..umm..goblins? Do you have those here even?"

He shook his head but seemed lost in thought.

"Let me guess." I sat up from the cushiony chair he kept by the fireplace. "You are once again reliving the glory of Arlathan and blaming yourself for the fall."

"Everything is a constant reminder of that, Stella. The Dalish with their broken beliefs, the elves in the city alienages. If it were not for.."

"Solas, stop it." I couldn't stand him torturing himself like this. "I have seen many worlds, many histories. I'm 24 years old by my timeline, but I have lived a thousand lives and seen tens of thousands of years of wars and empires. The fact is, even in my own world, empires rise and fall. It was bound to happen to Arlathan too."

He shook his head, agitated. "No, not like that. Not so my people would be thrown into slavery and become but shadows of what we were."

I let out an exasperated sigh.  "Please stop thinking of what could have been and what should have been. What matters is what yet can happen.." 

_Hypocrite. You didn't look to what could have been when you dragged that razor up your arm._ _  
_

He took my look of distress as something caused by him. "I apologize, Stella. I know this is not your weight to carry. I do not wish to trouble you further with my own burdens."

He gave me an easy smile and picked up the tomb he had been perusing. I watched from my chair as his fingers delicately turned each page.

His every mannerism was careful and precise. The way he moved his hands had an elegant rhythm to it, as did the way he walked. His voice was rich and he made a pleasing storyteller because of it. His smiles were contagious, his lips curving up attractively, drawing attention to the fullness of his mouth and thus making me smile too. When he laughed at something stupid or witty that I'd said, I would feel a warm glow in my stomach.

And his eyes that switched from a bright summer sky in June to an October thunderstorm always captured me. 

I was careful not to reveal anything that may affect the future. I wasn't sure if it was just set in stone that things would play out as they did, and after falling through a rift into Thedas, I was wise not to rule out a wildcard appearing.

Solas, for his part, understood. He knew it was important that things happen in the way they were meant to and so he did not begrudge me the things I would hold back,

I made a point to call him Solas, despite knowing his real identity. It wouldn't do to call him anything else when so many people were around and I could risk being overheard. But I think it helped him to know that he didn't need to keep up a carefully concealed appearance. He was more relaxed and didn't use "the Fade" as his every source.

Even so, I couldn't help slipping in an innocent comment or two.

"You spend so much time in here and some might call you a  _lone wolf_."

He stared pointedly at me and I gave him a cheshire grin.

"No need to be upset. I would  _dread_ if you stayed mad at me for some teasing."

"Stella." he groaned and turned back to his stack of books.

\--

So it was one afternoon that I was in his cabin when there was a commotion outside followed by the sound of a horn. Solas looked up and was peering through the small window.

"Come."

He swept out of the cabin and I followed after him, all nerves. We walked up the hill and stood in front of the Chantry with along with the rest of the advisors.

"Is it them? I can't see. Solas!" I tugged on his sleeve impatiently.

"Yes, the Herald has returned. Look towards the gates."

At the gates I could see the massiveness that was Iron Bull and my eyes swept the small group quickly. There was Varric, Bianca mounted on his back. Vivienne, radiant in some Orlesian mage's outfit. Cassandra, her giant greatsword glinting in the afternoon sun, was upbraiding one of the soldiers for something or another.

And then my eyes fell on her. 

She was perfect, an elven princess if the game would have allowed it. Her white hair was alight from the sun's rays and her Armor of the Dragon was a golden splendor. The staff she carried emanated a faint aura and she slowly came up the hill towards the Chantry where we stood. Cullen, Leliana, and Josephine had come out to meet her. As she drew near, her eyes fell on me and her brows furrowed. I tensed visibly and Solas put a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"Worry not. She is an open minded woman. She will hear your story and will not turn you away."

She finally stood before me and my eyes swept over her.

Her fine features were made even more beautiful in reality. Her outer iris was a deep violet and the center was a ring of gold. I had always liked purple and gold together and thought it would look especially ethereal. Plus, Daenerys. 

"A new addition?" Leires inquired.

_Ah yes, that nice British voice actor, not the other harsh sounding one._

"Lady Herald, this is the Seer Stella. She has come to us with the gift of prophecy in order to help the Inquisition navigate the trying times to come." said Leliana.

My Lavellan raised her eyebrow at that.

"A Seer? How do I know this is not a trick?"

I stepped forward, studying the face I spent so much time perfecting.

"Leires. I can understand why you would be mistrusting. Yet, was it not so long ago that you also were pulled out of an impossible situation and also asked to prove your innocence? Do you remember the feeling when Cassandra and Leliana interrogated you?" 

Her eyes widened a bit at that but she let me go on.

"I can't explain it to you anymore than you could it explain it to them then. I can only ask that you choose to trust me as they did. I only wish to help, to defeat this Elder One."

She studied me for a second, as if trying to find some glint of treachery, but eventually she smiled.

"Welcome to the Inquisition, Seer."

 

 

 


	4. Come What May

I was lazing about in the tavern one afternoon with Dorian, staring glumly out the window at the empty cabin that was Solas'.

"He's a bit  _old,_   you know."

Dorian was smirking as he followed my sullen gaze.

I pulled my eyes away from the window and took a long drink of the ale he had bought me.

"A bit old for what?" I asked innocently.

"A bit old for you to be pining over him like some silly schoolgirl."

"But Dorian," I began with a mischievous smile, "he does make quite the professor."

He threw his head back and laughed at that.

"If that's your thing, darling."

As I had "predicted", Leliana received the information regarding Blackwall and had passed it along to Lavellan. She had decided to take Solas with her, along with Varric and Cassandra, to go to the Hinterlands and recruit Blackwall. 

I had forgotten that what took maybe thirty minutes for me in a playthrough, actually took weeks here in Thedas.

They had been gone for five days and I was already feeling sulky at missing out on Solas' company.

Dorian had been my one saving grace, one of the few people who was actually happy to talk to me. He was a breath of fresh air- funny, fabulous, fiercely intelligent, and happy to buy me pint after pint. I took to him like a fish to water, and was able to get out of my Solas-withdrawal funk. 

"So, I suppose one look at me and you've got all my scandalous secrets in one tidy file?" he asked me that first night we hung out.

"Pfff...you call being caught in bed with another man scandalous? That's just a regular Friday for most people I know."

He arched an eyebrow at that.

"Been speaking to some old gossip from Minrathous, have we?"

I shook my head. "No, but if you're calling me a fraud, I can go on."

He waved his hand and took a long sip of his drink.

"No need. I don't doubt that if you were a spy, Leliana would have had you strung up by now. Nothing escapes that one."

We fell into an easy friendship which consisted of drinking, trading stories, and bashing Vivienne. He had been one of my favorite companions in the game, but real life Dorian was so much more. To me, he shone brightly. He had a radiant personality and you couldn't help but be dazzled by him. And yet I couldn't help but note that sometimes underneath all that light was a shadow that lurked. A shadow that was made up of a lifetime of being rejected by his family, something that I certainly could sympathize with. 

Maybe that's why I stuck with him more than the rest. I felt a kindred spirit, someone who would understand what it was like to need to reinvent themselves in a new place.

Indeed one such night he asked me about my family.

"Don't you miss them, Stella? You fell from a rift and you seem to be quite fine and dandy settling here. I believe most people would be quite out of it by now."

I paused and a sudden wave of guilt came over me.

I wondered if time was still flowing back there. I had given myself little time to really think about it all...

What if I  _had_   died?

I pictured my funeral, my family and friends gathered. I imagined them shaking their heads in disappointment as some priest droned on. 

_ We should have seen it coming. She was such a fuck up already...just another disappointment.  _

My stomach clenched.

A surprisingly soft hand covered mine and yanked me from my thoughts. 

I looked up at Dorian, my misery evident.

"When I..left..things were just so bad. I...I think they just feel like a burden was lifted. Like it's just better that I'm gone. I wasn't the daughter they wanted in the end..."

His hand tightened over mine and I turned mine over so that our hands could cup. I squeezed back as if thanking him for being here for me.

"Well I know all about that." he said bitterly.

"Your father loves you, Dorian. There will come a time when he reaches out to you to try and mend the broken bond. He knows what he did was wrong." I said softly.

He looked at me then, a shadow passing over his face. I could see him working out that I knew about the blood ritual his father had looked into.

"And what will the outcome of that meeting be?"

"That's for you to decide."

"Tch. Some fortune-teller you are." he said, smiling.

I swatted his arm playfully.

"Whatever happened with your family, Stella, you are not a burden. I think that often we feel so inadequate ourselves that we project that onto everyone else. One minute criticism and we believe we are the biggest failures in their lives." Dorian said.

I felt the guilt bubble up again, thoughts forcing themselves into my head. 

_What if I was wrong.._

But there was no point to it. There was no jumping back through the rift and ending up in my bathroom, safe and sound. I buried it deep again and told myself that they were better off this way. I was better off.

After that night, Dorian and I didn't speak of our families again. Instead, there seemed to be a mutual understanding between us and there was a certain comfort in that.

* * *

 

It was a week later that I awoke to the sound of the horn announcing the Inquisitor's return. 

Trying to look presentable as possible, I made my way to the stables where Lavellan and Blackwall stood talking. 

He was tall and burly, his black hair thick and shiny. His eyes in real life were a dark sapphire, and he had a wolfish appearance to him. His eyes fell on me and I gave a small wave.

Lavellan turned to greet me. "Ah, Stella. This is-"  
  
"Blackwall." I finished for her and smiled.

"No doubt you already knew. Blackwall, this is the Inquisition's own  _Seer_ , Stella."

A flash of panic in his eyes and then his composure returned.

"My lady." he nodded curtly.

"Well don't look so worried, Warden." I said, thoroughly enjoying myself.

"Heh."

Lavellan, who was oblivious to Blackwall's discomfort, turned to me. "Solas was looking to see you. He should be back in his cabin."

My heart fluttered but I schooled my face into a nonchalant expression. 

"Oh? Well, alright. I'll see you around then."

It took all my effort not to run back up there, instead just walking at a normal pace, trying to seem like I was on my way to any other ordinary task.

I pushed the door open and saw him in his usual stance, hunching over the table while reading a map.

He looked up and smiled. "Stella."

_No, no. Don't jump on him. Restraint. Restraaaint._

"I missed you." I blurted.

_Idiot._

I stared fixedly at a wooden chair by the wall as if trying to commit the grooves in the wood to memory. I could feel his eyes burning a hole in my face, which probably would have burst into flames on its own from the embarrassment I felt.

"I missed you as well. It would seem that there are not many others who are so interested in hearing about my journeys into the Fade." he said easily.

"Those peasants."

He chuckled at that.

"Did you have a good trip, droll company aside?" I asked, sitting in my usual chair by the fire.

"Mm. It was the Herald's wish to recruit the warden, as you probably already know." he said, a look of slight disapproval flashing across his face.

_Solas slightly disapproves._

I snorted. He turned his piercing gaze over to me, his eyebrow arched in question.

"Oh, no, nothing." I recovered quickly. "It's just I know how you feel about the Grey Wardens."

"Part of your  _gift,_ I assume?"

"Nah, I'm just an exceptional stalker." I said and flashed a grin.

He rolled his eyes but the corners of his mouth twitched.

"Leires said you were looking to see me. Anything you wanted to talk about in particular?"

"As a matter of fact, yes." he said, straightening up. "The Herald believes it is time to attempt to tackle the breach. She wishes to take the recruited mages and seal it."

I sat up. "And you are worried?"

"Should I be?"

I bit my lip. On the one hand, the breach  _would_ be sealed. But that just meant that Corypheus would attack soon after..

"The Herald's attempt will be successful."

He gave me a searching look. "I can see it written on your face that there is more."

"There is," I began slowly, "but I can't say. If it were to happen any other way..."

He nodded.

"I will not press you. I only ask that you do not endanger yourself. You are in a dangerous world. You have no magic nor weapons skills to defend yourself. Only your knowledge of what is to come gives you an edge over the enemy."

"I know." I said in a small voice, thinking about the doom that would befall Haven. 

His face softened and his voice was gentle when he spoke.

"I do not say this to frighten you. I want you to be aware, alert. But come what may, I will be here. I will protect you as best I can."

I took heart in his words and thanked him.

But later that night, as the Inquisition's mages prepared for the following day, I lay awake in my bed and staring up at a ceiling that tomorrow would be in flames.

 


	5. Knocking on Haven's door

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Stella finds herself in the midst of a siege.

People were laughing merrily and dancing around the bonfires, the air filled with shouts and laughter. The Breach had been sealed only hours before and the celebrations were underway in earnest. 

I could not bring myself to join, knowing what was coming over those mountains in a short amount of time.

"Hey, kid, let your hair down. Have a drink." said Varric, noticing my anxious pacing.

I gave him a tight smile and set out to find Solas. His words still rang in my head, giving me some form of comfort. 

_I will protect you._

Would it be enough?

I had already decided I would run straight into the Chantry when the battle began. I was in no way prepared to fight off anyone, much less a giant red lyrium abomination. As the sky grew darker, my gut wrenched and twisted and I found myself wracked with guilt. How many faces was I seeing that would no longer be there with us when we reached Skyhold? How many people today had greeted me that would not live to see the sunrise? I felt sick with the knowledge, sick knowing what was going to happen, and sick from not being able to prevent it. 

I found myself at his cabin again. He was there, outside this time, leaning against the wall and watching the celebrations with a faint smile. His eyes flicked over to me as he felt my approach.

"Not interested in drunken dances around giant burning bundles of wood?"

I laughed nervously. "Nah."

We stood in silence for a moment watching as a man picked up a woman and swung her around, before the two of them fell down to the snow laughing.

_Dead men walking._

I was picking at the skin on my cuticles, a horrible habit I had had for years now. God, how much longer did we have? In the game there was a small cutscene and some conversation with Varric and then that blasted horn had sounded. I could feel my skin tingling and my mouth growing dry from the anxiety.

"What is it?" 

My eyes snapped up from my hands to meet his furrowed brows. His eyes were on my bloodied cuticles.

"You know I know things. You know I know what comes after. Solas...please. I just want you to know that it has to happen. There's no other way..." I said, my voice shaking. 

I was terrified. I was terrified they were all going to hate me, thinking I could have prevented it. 

His hands came up to my shoulders and he looked down into my eyes intently.

"I told you that I would protect you. Come what may. But there is more. There is something else you are not saying."

I was selfish then. I knew what saying it could do, the possibility of everything being thrown off course. But his stormy eyes were boring into mine and I felt so safe under his warm and sturdy grip. I needed to unload the weight of it before it crushed me.

"Corypheus is coming with an army. They will attack Haven. People will die. But it must happen this way in order for the Inquisitor to succeed in the end."

His face was unreadable and I felt my stomach tightening. 

"Please don't hate me. I know they will. I know they'll think I could have prevented it." I whispered, my eyes blurring with tears.

A horn sounded.

He didn't move, his fingers digging into my shoulders.

"You must stay safe."

I nodded. "The Chantry is where they will go for safety. I plan to stay in there until we have to go on."

There were shouts coming from the gates, Cullen and the Inquisitor yelling, confusion and chaos.

"Go." 

He spun me around and pushed me towards the Chantry and as I ran I heard the thundering sound of the bannerless army coming to crush Haven.

* * *

 

"What's happening?!"

"Have you seen Selana?"

"I'm scared."

"We're going to die here!"

The voices of those who had been herded into the Chantry were full of fear and anxiety. The air was thick with worry for loved ones and for what lay beyond those heavy wooden doors. There were clusters of men and women praying fervently to Andraste for salvation. There were people with their hands over their ears, trying to block out the sounds of battle. There were those who had broken off legs of chairs or grabbed anything that could be a weapon in preparation for the doors being broken down. 

I sat far from them all, absorbed in my own thoughts and guilt. It felt like hours had passed, but the doors did not open yet. I waited to see Cullen's face, Roderick being ushered in by Cole, the Inquisitor looking harangued.

_Solas._

Ugh. Stupid stupid egg. I had hoped he'd be boring and lecturey and I could just ride off into the Thedas sunset without a second thought of him, but he wasn't. He was interesting, kind, handsome and I was addicted to the sound of his laughter. 

_You know how this story ends._

But DO I? I mean I know how it ends as the Inquisitor. But not as a human girl who fell through a rift and knows his true identity and can probably help him out in the long run?

The Inquisitor. Oh god. While I'm over here twirling my hair like an idle schoolgirl fawning over a hot professor, what if he and the Inquisitor end up together? She  _is_ a Dalish elf. That's totally up his ally.

And I'm not.

Oh my god. I completely blanked on that.

Would Solas just write me off because I had the wrong ear shape? 

_Is Cassandra defined by her cheekbones?_

I mean if he can say that...

But of course only _I_ would be sitting in a Chantry while a demi-god, archdemon, and demon army was outside and I had no magic nor weapons to defend myself, just thinking about the tragedy of my love life.

No wonder my life had ended up the way it did. Priorities had gone to shit.

**_BANG_ **

I leapt to my feet as I finally saw four familiar figures- Roderick, supported by Cole, Cullen, and Lavellan all at the doors.

As I made my way to them I could hear Cullen and Lavellan arguing about the next move.

"What choice do we have?" Cullen snapped as I came within earshot.

"He wants to help." came a soft voice from the side.

Cole was kneeling over Roderick. Ruby blood stained his Chantry robes and his hand clutched at his side where the templar's sword had pierced him.

"There is a mountain pass, you would not know it unless you made the summer pilgrimage.."

"Cullen, take the people through there. I will stay behind." said Lavellan, her violet and gold eyes shining determinedly. 

"Herald... Well. Perhaps you will find a way to make it back."

She turned away, Varric, Cassandra, and Iron Bull following her. 

My eyes scanned through the crowded Chantry, trying to find him. My heart was hammering, I didn't remember seeing him come in through the door. Cullen was shouting, trying to move the people through one of the side doors of the Chantry, Cole hovering near him and hoisting Roderick as he whispered instructions in his ear.

A gauntleted hand clamped on my shoulder and roughly turned me to face an angry face. He looked to be in his 20s, his face covered in blood, a nasty gash on his cheek. Green eyes sparked with fury as he towered over me.

"You're that  _Seer_ bitch, aren't you?" he spat. "Why didn't you warn us?"

I froze. The words died in my throat as I floundered looking for some comfort to give this man.

"Instead I find you in here. Safe and sound. Not a scratch on that pretty little head. And out there?" he gestured with his fist towards the doors. "A fucking massacre."

"I-"

His steely hand gripped my throat suddenly and my eyes widened.

"You fucking knew and you let it happen.  _Murderer._ I swear I-"

A blinding bolt of lightning cracked the air and several people around me screamed. His hand dropped and he stumbled backwards with a dazed expression. 

I turned my head in time to see Solas lowering his staff, cold fury in his eyes. Without a word, he took my arm and pulled me towards the crowd that was shuffling out the side and towards the mountain path. 

* * *

 

My hands were shaking and I could feel my heart pounding in my ears. 

We worked our way through the path in silence. The air was cold and biting and the wind was whipping our faces which would have made it hard for conversation. 

I thought about what was happening back at Haven now. She must have told the others to run by now, and was taking on Corypheus. I just wanted this night to end.

Solas kept close to me, often casting menacing looks around in case anyone else thought to wring my neck. 

_I will protect you._

Despite my numb nose and frozen fingertips, I felt something warm flutter in my chest.

The sky was almost black when we finally made camp, pitching up haphazard tents on the frozen ground. Everywhere I turned there were grim expressions, sobbing people, worried faces. I moved as if in a haze, often feeling like my feet weren't even touching the ground.

My feet carried me to the small gathering of tables where Cullen, Leliana, and Josephine stood huddled together.

It was Leliana who first turned to me, her eyes cold and cutting.

"You knew."

I bowed my head. "Yes."

"Then  _why_ didn't you say anything?!"

"Don't you think if I knew it would have helped that I would?" I whispered hollowly. "I have seen how everything plays out Leliana. This was necessary in order to bring us to what comes next. If I could rewrite fate I would but as it stands.."

"As it stands, we have no shelter, no Herald, and no army. We are finished." she said bitterly.

"We are not." I looked up at her, my eyes meeting hers. "She is not dead. She will come. You have to be on the lookout. It's you that will see her first, Cullen."

He looked up at that. "Me?"

"Yea, it's your voice that I heard when...eh..when I saw my vision."

He set off, Cassandra following.

Leliana looked at me, her gaze more anguished than angry this time. "If what you say is true, it is a steep price to pay."

"It is."

I moved away from them, towards a stack of crates that was close to a fire. I sat on the ground, not caring that the cold seeped into my skin, my back against the crates. I closed my eyes and let out a long breath.

_What a mess._

No doubt they would all blame me. Even if nothing could be done to change it. It was a heavy burden to bear and I felt the weight of it crushing me right then.

_Please get here soon. Come give your people hope._

I heard the soft crunch of snow and opened my eyes to see Solas facing me. His back was to the fire and it illuminated him like the divine he was. He offered me a hand and effortlessly pulled me to my feet. 

"Thank you." I began, my hands brushing the snow from the back of my legs. "For now, for earlier."

"Did I not say I would protect you?"

"I guess."

"You know," he said, giving me a small smile, "I have much experience in the art of self-torture. It's really your medium."

I balked at him and then laughed.

"I didn't think I was going to laugh any time soon."

"I didn't think I'd find a human's company so entertaining. It seems there are many surprises to be had." 

I rolled my eyes.

We moved towards a dry mat that had been laid out by the fire and sat down. He stretched his long legs and let the flickering flames occupy him for a time. It was a while before either of us said anything, but I was the one who broke the silence.

"Does it really matter?"

"Hmm?"

"That I'm human." 

He turned his face to me, his eyes studying me. 

"No. I apologize if that is the impression I gave you. I have had some experiences that have marred my perception. It is hard to remember that a select few do not speak for the whole."

I nodded. "I know. I know it's been hard for you. The Dalish called you a madman..."

His brow furrowed. "Yes. Yet they are the ones parading around with slave-markings, playing pretend with remnants of things they don't understand." he said bitterly.

My hand went to his. "I'm sorry."

He didn't move away and we both turned back to the fire. 

I wanted to let my mind wander, take a break from the stress of the day. But I could only focus on his warm hand beneath mine. I longed to lace my fingers between his, run my thumb over his, squeeze him tightly and feel the realness of him. But I didn't dare mess it up and I was content for the moment to just have this moment.

I was so caught up in the closeness of him that when I heard the shout it came through filtered and dulled.

But when I felt the absence of him and saw he had sprung up, alert and gazing towards the distance, I snapped to attention.

"It's her!" cried Cullen.

I squinted and could make out a staggering figure and then Cullen rushing towards her, swooping her up.

Leliana caught my eye and gave me a small nod.

I looked up towards the pitch black sky and breathed a sigh of relief.

_The dawn will come._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all who have given kudos, commented, and bookmarked. I've been using this an exercise in writing as well as a coping mechanism for a lot of the things I have going on right now. I appreciate those who are following this piece and I hope I can continue to improve and tell a great story.


	6. Chapter 6

When we finally did arrive at Skyhold, I felt as if I'd died for real and gone to heaven. A simple thing like a hot bath was a pleasure that had been denied to me for weeks. I had forgotten there was another temperature besides freezing. The rest of the Inquisition seemed to share my sentiments because our first night in the stronghold consisted of a lot of drinking and laughter, two things that had been all but nonexistant on our entire trek.

I was also finally back in the inner circle's good graces. I had Lavellan to thank for that mostly, but Solas as well. Once Lavellan had regained her consciousness and was back on her feet I had approached her. Like Leliana, she was cold and angry at first, but with the help of Solas, I managed to get her to see things in a different light. It was she who spoke in favor of me to the rest, noting that if it had not been for me telling Cullen to be on the lookout that she may have died out in the snowy wilderness. Surprisingly, it was Cassandra who came over first, acknowledging that even with prior knowledge Haven would still have fallen. One by one, the rest of the companions who had distanced themselves (who were all but Solas and Dorian) from me were talking again and I felt a swell of gratitude for the end of my social isolation. There were still those in the Inquisition who doubted me and I could feel their mistrusting eyes upon me. But these were people who also didn't know me beyond a hi and bye basis. All that I cared about was that the people who mattered to me, the ones I had come to call my friends, believed me.

Things were looking up and a warm bed was the cherry on top.

Man the game does underestimate how shitty Skyhold is when you first arrive.  If it hadn't been for Dorian, I would have broken my neck climbing a set of stairs that collapsed suddenly. 

There were whole sections that were rubble. Some areas were seemingly intact but one wrong step would send an unlucky person crashing down to the floor below. Windows had been blown out and tapestries were mostly moth eaten and caked in dust. 

It was a little sad really. I imagined how it must have looked in its glory days and to see it so derelict made me feel somber.

The first week or so we were so busy with repairs that we hardly had time to sit down for a meal together, much less do any idle chatting. I saw Solas set up in the familiar rotunda and knew that when my schedule freed up it would be my favorite haunt. Already he was beginning one of his murals and I hoped to sit on the couch and watch its progress.

Without magic to repair glass or move heavy stones, and without any obvious muscle mass, I was relegated to the library to organize books. I didn't mind too much, it was an excellent opportunity to further my knowledge of the lore. I would show up early and help the scholars sort and arrange the various tomes by author and genre, much like in any other library. It was on one such occasion that I found a book of elven lore and I squirreled it away when no one was paying attention.

That evening, I sat in the hall for dinner with Dorian. It seemed that everyone else had either eaten or were still quite busy with their tasks and so it was just the two of us.

"Finding any good literature up in that dust mill?" Dorian asked as he eyed my soot covered clothing.

"Oh there's all sorts up there." I said as I cut my venison. "There's loads of world history, a couple atlases from different ages, a bunch of assorted compendiums."

"Well that sounds positively exciting." he replied sarcastically. "And here I was hoping for a good read."

"Oh don't worry, I've set aside all the filthy novels for us." I said with a smirk.

"That's what I like to hear."

"You should come keep me company." I said and stuck my bottom lip out.

"Those scholars aren't the best company you've ever had? You don't say."

I snorted into my ale.

"Watching paint dry is more exciting."

"Speaking of," Dorian said and cocked his head towards Solas' door, "have you gone to see your heart's desire yet?"

"Shh!! Dorian, god, shut up." I hissed. I looked around furtively to see if anyone was paying attention.

"Is that a no? You seem frustrated darling."

I flushed and buried my nose in my glass, taking a long drink.

He patted my arm sympathetically.

"I have no idea what to even say." I said miserably.

"Here."

He took a small fruit tart from a plate of pastries he had brought for us to share as dessert and placed it on a cloth napkin.

I raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"I don't think sugar is going to fix my-"

"Not for you, dolt. For him. Go and take it to him. Tell him you thought he might be hungry. Tell him you were passing by. Tell him whatever, but here's your icebreaker."

"Dorian I could kiss you."

"I'd rather you not, darling. I'm quite happy with our current arrangement."

I got up from the table and smoothed my robes down, suddenly painfully aware of how dirty I was. 

Dorian noticed and gave me a knowing smile. "Don't fret. Once we get to Val Royeaux, I promise we'll have some enticing pieces added to your rather drab wardrobe."

"I really could kiss you, you know." I said before turning away, the cloth napkin in my hand.

I crossed the hall and stood in front of his door for a moment before knocking gently.

A minute passed and nothing.

_Oh god._

I could feel my face growing hot and I imagined how stupid I must look to the rest of the hall just standing there.

_He's avoiding me. He's totally dodging me. I mean he hasn't even come to see me all week. What was I thinking? I am so fucking st-_

The door opened. 

Solas stood there, a slight smile playing on his lips. There was a small smear of paint on his chin and a few dabs here or there on his shirt. His eyes glittered in the torchlight and an eyebrow raised as he waited for me to say something.

I was too busy mentally berating myself and when I opened my mouth to speak all that came out was "Uh.."

I raised my hand holding the napkin and the fruit tart.

"That was thoughtful of you. Why don't you come in?" he asked as his slender fingers picked up the tart, brushing against mine for the briefest moment. 

I stepped into the rotunda and looked around at the walls. He had begun painting the scene from Haven.

"You know, the first time I saw this, I should really have taken a hint from the constant portrayal of wolves."

He shot me a look that told me to stop talking before someone overheard.

"Oh stop worrying." I teased and plopped down on the couch. "But really, Solas, this is magnificent work you're doing. Everyone who's seen your art says so. I think you've got quite the fanclub going."

"That's kind of you to say."

"You don't sound like you believe it."

He smiled. "An artist is his own harshest critic."

I watched him as he took a bite out of the fruit tart. I never thought eating a piece of pastry could be that sensual, but the way his lips moved was so entrancing. 

"Is it good? I was just having dinner and thought perhaps you might like a treat."  _Yea you wish you were that smooth._

"Quite good. I do love these small pastries. And thank you. Often when I am working on a piece I forget all else."

_Like me._

I wanted to smack myself for my neediness and insecurity but I schooled my face into a neutral expression that wouldn't betray all my inner turmoil.

"How goes the work in the library? I often hear you from above." he asked before taking another bite.

"Oh, it's alright. We're soon done. There's like a million dusty old tomes up there that are full of the most droll things, but there's a few good picks that I've taken out for my own personal stash." I said casually, then looked up to see if any of the scholars were up there. 

He laughed at that. "A book thief. There's a notion."

"Well, yeah! I'd rather steal a good book than a diamond necklace." 

His eyes twinkled in the light of the veilfire as he looked at me curiously.

"You truly are something different."

I blushed and quickly looked away.

"Do you sleep in here?"

"No. I imagine it would be impossible to with the open ceiling."

"Oh. Right. Where do you sleep then?"

"Why?" he asked, cocking his head to the side, an amused expression on his face.

The blush that had been fading came back in double the force.

"I was just wondering."

He seemed to realize my discomfort and assumed a casual tone. "My quarters are located on the west wing. It's more quiet over there."

He popped the last piece of tart into his mouth and sucked a dollop of cream off his finger. 

_Unghhhh._

He brushed his fingers off on the napkin and then turned to me. 

"What are your plans for the evening? Surely they won't have you organizing more books?"

I considered this for a moment then replied. "I was thinking of just reading one of the books I had set aside." Pause. "Would you...would you mind terribly if I read it in here? Your veilfire makes the room much brighter and easier to read in..."

"I would be more than happy for the company."

I went up the stairs and retrieved the book, then came back down and settled back on the couch.

"What is it that you're reading?" he inquired as he got back up on the scaffolding.

"A history of elven lore."

"Perhaps a more accurate title should be 'Dalish Fairytales'." he said sarcastically with a hint of bitterness.

"Solas..." I sighed.

Hours passed like that. There was a comfortable silence between us, each wrapped up in their own hobby. The only real sounds were the muffled chatter in the hall that grew lesser as the night grew darker, the gentle swish of his brush on the wall, and the soft sound of pages being turned. Occasionally, I would pause my reading and just watch him paint. I admired his ability to be so crisp and precise with his lines, the elegant way his fingers moved to trace shapes in the air that he planned to put down, his eye for color. In our world he would have been one of the greats- Picasso, Michelangelo, Van Gogh, and the like. It was a shame his talent would not be as appreciated here.

The room was warm and the torches flickered lazily. The couch was soft and cozy beneath me. I felt myself sliding down, my eyes growing heavy. The book slipped from my hands and came to rest by my side.

_Feels like home.._

The next thing I knew I was feeling something soft against my face. My eyes were still closed but I felt his gentle fingers brush against my cheek. 

I opened my eyes slowly. His face was close to mine and he had such a tender look on his face that I almost wondered if I was imagining it.

"It's time to get to bed, Stella." he said softly.

I nodded sleepily, reaching up for him without thinking. His arms came around me, pulling me up and against his body. He felt warm and I could feel the steady beat of his heart in his chest as I leaned against him for a moment. My senses came back and I stepped back.

"Ugh. So tired. Who knew bookkeeping was so exhausting?" 

He waved a hand and the torches went out. We made our way to the door and he held it open for me. 

"If you don't mind, maybe tomorrow I can come read too?"

 

"You're welcome whenever you like."

"You'll regret saying that." I laughed.

He smiled.

"Goodnight, Stella."

"Goodnight, Solas. Sweet dreams."

"Always."

We parted ways and headed to our respective quarters.

As I lay in bed that night, my hand came up to my cheek where I had felt his fingers touch me. 

_You truly are something different.._

_I will protect you..._

_In another world perhaps.._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still here? Thank you. It means a lot that you're following this story. With each chapter that I write, I not only progress with the story but with my therapy. Much of my therapy involves a routine, like regularly uploading chapters. Sometimes it's hard, but the point is I sit down and begin to write even if I am feeling at my worst that day. I welcome any creative criticism as well! If you have anything you think may help my writing I encourage you to comment with it.


	7. Felt the Whole World Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Stella experiences the Haven dream scene.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slow update! Lots of life happenings going on atm, trying to get back into a regular posting schedule.

_Where...?_

My feet were treading snowy grounds, but the familiar silhouette of Skyhold was nowhere in sight. For a slight moment, my stomach dropped and I thought I had fallen through another rift. It wasn't until I saw the small cluster of cabins with their little chimneys and curling smoke trails that I realized where I was.

"Oh," I said to no one at all. "Right. This part."

It had begun a little differently than in-game. There had been no seamless transition from the rotunda to the dream. I clearly remember wishing him a good night and heading off to bed before slipping into dreams. It made me question what would happen here and _why_ it was happening at all. For one, I wasn't the Inquisitor, though a part of me wondered if she had already played this scene out with him as the storyline dictated. Another part wondered if she had kissed him or if they'd remained as friends. And a third part told the other two parts to shut up and find out already.

Haven was completely different without the people. It looked almost peaceful, like a sleepy little village at the foot of the mountains that you might go to for skiing. Removing the air of anxiety and the wartime sounds and you had yourself a real Thedas style Aspen.

My legs took me on a well-worn route and I found myself walking up the little hill where his cabin stood. He was standing there, just like he always had back in the real Haven, looking off into the distance with an expression that showed a thousand thoughts running through his head. I watched as his long fingers stroked his chin while he pondered a million unknowns. His head turned towards me as the crunching snow signaled my approach. 

"Fancy meeting you here." he said, his eyes twinkling mischievously. 

"Why Haven?" 

"It is familiar. There is a certain charm to it when it is at peace. It makes it a favorable location to come and sort through my thoughts."

"Is that what you told the Inquisitor when she asked?" I inquired casually, or so I hope it sounded.

There was a flicker of something- amusement?- in his eyes but it was gone before I could grasp what it had been.

"Not quite. But why ask questions that you know the answer to?"

I shifted uncomfortably, trying to decide how to respond. I couldn't exactly tell him that there was an option wheel that gave different outcomes based on the choice you made.

"Sometimes I don't know the  _exact_ answer. You could say that I know the possible outcomes but sometimes it's not immediately obvious which one it is."

"I see." He straightened up and clasped his hands behind his back. "To answer, no. Leires was more concerned on  _how_ we had gotten to be here than  _why._ Something, I note, that doesn't seem to trouble you." _  
_

I cracked a grin at him. "I fell through a rift and am dreamwalking with The Dread Wolf. Really, you should give me more credit."

He snorted at that and we began to walk slowly along the bend that led to the Chantry.

"What do you think of Leires?" I asked suddenly.

"I? She is..." he paused, his brow furrowing.

"Inspiring? Intelligent? Beautiful?" I supplied.

"Dalish." he finished flatly.

"How..telling."

Solas took a breath before beginning again. "She is neither unkind nor unintelligent. She is passionate for her cause, yes." Pause. "But she is well rooted in the Dalish ways and refuses to accept anything that would go against those beliefs."

I nodded at that, knowing just how much it grated on his nerves for the Dalish to hold on to their skewed beliefs. And after they had treated him, I couldn't really hate him for it. 

_And,_ a sly voice in my head said,  _you're not Dalish so it gives you that much more of an advantage._

I shook my head to dispel it. For all I knew, I was lying in a coma in a hospital and this was all some weird hallucination. Or I was still dying and time had slowed down dramatically in my death throes so that I could imagine all of this. And it was unfair to make this a competition with my Inquisitor, when she deserved happiness too.

_But,_ the voice continued,  _if you don't believe any of this is real, why should it matter if a fictional piece of your imagination is happy or not?_

"Stella?"

I looked up and realized I had forgotten the other supposed fictional piece of my imagination was still standing next to me and we had been having a conversation about the first fictional piece.

"Sorry. Got carried away with an internal monologue." 

"What was the topic of discussion?"

"Oh, well..I.." I blushed as I fumbled for a decent lie.

He raised his eyebrows and I watched his lips pull back into an amused smile.

"Anyway," I said loudly, "I'm just glad that things are progressing as they should. I was afraid of more surprises after falling through that rift."

We had reached the Chantry and I stood in front of it as I surveyed the rest of Haven. It really did have a certain charm to it. A cozy little village nestled against the backdrop of the tall, snowy mountains. The flurries fell lazily from the skies and there was a pronounced stillness in the air that soothed my soul. I could see why he would come here in his dreams.

I closed my eyes and inhaled the cold air so that it filled my lungs entirely. It was piercing, like having an altoid in your mouth and then breathing in. The burn of it was so refreshing though. I couldn't remember the last time I had been somewhere so remote and natural. My life had almost always been confined to the city and its smoggy air. There was something about being here that was like a balm on my soul, fulfilling some need I had had but never knew about until I felt it being satisfied.

There was a voice, slow, sweet and eloquent in my ear.

"When you fell through that rift, I felt the whole world change."

_Thud._

I could feel my heart leap in my chest and pound in my ears. I opened my eyes and slowly turned to face him.

It was that phrase that had been a turning point on the option wheel. I didn't trust my voice but I couldn't stop the words from coming out.

"Felt the whole world change?"

His smile was so much more charming in person. I could feel my mouth going dry from the rush of adrenaline, waiting for his response.

"A figure of speech." he said and took a step towards me.

_Thud. Thud._

"I'm aware of the metaphor, I'm more interested in _felt_." I recited from memory.

He was close. I could see the freckles on his nose clearly now and the delicate light brown eyelashes that framed his icy sapphires.

"You change...everything." he said softly, his breath playing across my face.

_Thud. Thud. Thud._

"Sweet talker." I whispered as I tilted my face up towards him, my lips parted.

Our eyes met. He was searching me, looking for something to pull him back, as I knew he would. He was always so cautious, afraid to get close. But I knew him for what he was, who he was. The walls he had put up to keep the Inquisitor out in every single playthrough I romanced him in were useless here. I knew the real Solas- Fen'Harel- and he had no reason to hide from me.

My hands came up, one on his neck, the other on the side of his face, pulling him towards me. I felt his arms come around me and pull me against him as his lips came down and pressed against mine. He was gentle like a summer breeze on my face, before intensifying into a storm. He was hungry, I was hungry, we were both wrapped up in each other before long. His slender fingers worked their way through my hair.  I sucked his bottom lip and he pushed his tongue against mine, demanding that I open up for him. I did so, and a little moan escaped as he slowly twined his tongue with mine.

When he pulled away it felt like someone had cut my oxygen and my lungs were on fire. My heart was pounding so loudly now that I was sure his elf ears could hear it.

"Does it count? In a dream?" I asked him, knowing where it would lead.

"Why would it not?"

"Because well..it's not real."

"Ah. That is a matter best discussed when you... _wake up._ "

 

 

 

 

 


	8. The Fine Line Between Dreams and Reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone who gave kudos and commented! Building up a story that doesn't look like it was written by a 12 year old fangirl can be rather daunting, especially when it's been years since I've really written anything. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you guys, you keep me going!

My eyes didn't snap open and I didn't sit up lightning fast as my Lavellan had. 

Instead, I woke up slowly, as if savoring the last bits of something flavorful and fleeting. I lay in the stiff teakwood bed and could feel every cell in my body buzzing, replaying every moment of the kiss. My fingers came up to my lips, gently tracing the ghost of his kisses and I suppressed a moan at the memory of how wanting he had been. It hadn't been chaste like the first kiss with Cullen had been, it was the kiss of a man who had spent countless years in solitude. There was a desperate need behind it, something wild, something  _feral._

_Hungry like the wolf._

I smiled to myself and opened my eyes to the golden sunlight filtering through the stained glass window. I watched little dust particles float down, illuminated by the beam of light, enjoying the slow sweetness of the morning. I listened to the sounds of people bustling outside and when they grew loud enough, I swung my legs over the side of the bed and ran my fingers through my long hair to comb out the tangles of dreams. 

As I became more grounded in the waking world, I wondered what would come next. I knew that stepping into the rotunda I would be greeted by "Sleep well?", but what then? Would he still give me the same spiel about the kiss being impulsive? 

_ Surely not, _  I reasoned.  _He only thought it impulsive before when everything about him was half-truths and cataclysmic secrets._

 

Still, the doubt was enough to slow me. I found myself making my way to the rotunda in an obtuse manner. I took the long way from the quarters and lingered in the courtyard, using Cassandra as an excuse to delay going up the tall marble steps that led to the main hall of Skyhold. She had been taking a break from her usual assault of the training dummies and hastily put away something that suspiciously looked like a certain copy of a certain novel by a certain dwarven author. 

"Good morning. I was just.."

I gave her a knowing smile. "It's none of my business."

She relaxed a little bit more at that and we fell into an easy conversation about the rumors of the upcoming ball at Halamshiral. Cassandra was dreading the event even more than the game had previously let on. Apparently the whole ordeal reminded her of the Nevarran court gatherings that she had loathed as a child. She couldn't stand the stupid masquerades or the constant reading between the lines of the Game. It made sense, judging how blunt she was. 

"Is something bothering you?" she finally asked, as my eyes darted towards the stairs for the millionth time during our conversation.

"What?" I started. "No, I just.."

"It's none of my business." she threw back at me, a small smile playing on her face.

I wished her a good morning and then decided to find out for certain what Solas was going to say to our excursion last night.

I found out that my confidence was maxed out at the first step and completely in the negatives by the time I reached the final step at the top and stood in front of the heavy wooden doors.

_It's not too late to turn back and go into the pub and spend the entire day talking shit with Sera._

But I didn't get more than a moment to contemplate that before the doors opened and a delegation was pushing through impatiently, carrying me with them. My eyes searched the hall, looking for maybe one more person to delay me, but there were nothing but unfamiliar faces. Even Varric was absent from his usual spot at the table by the rotunda's door. Resigning to my fate, I made my way over to the door and resolved to just get it done.

I pushed the door open and was welcomed by the sound of a paint brush swishing over the wall. He was working on the edge of the Haven panel, his lines neat and fine as the brush swept on the wall. 

"Morning." I said brightly, waiting until he had paused in his painting in case I startled him and his brush skipped.

Solas put his brush down and climbed down from the scaffolding before greeting me with a smile.

"Sleep well?"

How many times had I lived this scene? How easily had I committed the coming lines to memory?

"I've never done anything like that before...on a number of levels" I said slowly, watching his face.

His eyes flashed in the veilfire and his charming laugh echoed off the walls.

"I apologize. The kiss was-"

"Ill considered and impulsive and you should not have encouraged it?" I finished for him, a hint of annoyance creeping into my voice.

He looked surprised and opened his mouth to reply but I cut in before he could say anything. "Solas, I thought you were interested. If I misread you, I apologize."

"No, you have no need to apologize. I...it has been a long time."

"And things have always been easier for you in the Fade?"

His eyes bore into mine and I felt my heart leap at the intensity of his gaze.

"Quite."

"Solas," I began, taking a breath. "I understand your reservations."

"Stella, you don't-"

"Don't what? Understand how you feel? Understand the reality of the dangers here, of all the possible things that could go wrong? Or," I added in a low voice, "of the gravity of what it means to be you, and who you really are."

His eyes darted to the floor above us to see if anyone was listening.

I stepped towards him, my eyes searching his. There was concern there, but underneath there was also a sadness and yearning that made me want to wrap my arms around him tightly.

"You told me that I change everything. Was that a lie?"

"No."

I stepped closer.

"You kissed me like you meant it. Was that ingenuine?"

"No."

I was inches from his face.

"You can say whatever you want, but I know what I felt. I felt  _the whole world change._ " _  
_

I was making a dangerous gamble, and for a moment I felt my stomach clench when he didn't move. But before I had time to step back, his hands were pulling my face up towards his and his lips were gently kissing mine. It was soft, sweet, in stark contrast to the dream's kiss, but not at all unwelcome. There was something about the manner in which he kissed me that was in perfect sync with the situation, as if he was allowing me past the walls, cautiously and gently letting me in and giving me permission to enter his heart.

He pulled back slowly, his soft breath playing across my lips when he spoke.

"I am not often thrown by things that happen in dreams," he began, his melodic voice filtering through my ears, "But I am reasonably certain we are awake now."

"But according to you," I said with a playful smile,"the line between dreams and reality is so fine, it may as well be non-existent."

He laughed at that and I could feel the pleasure of making him happy bubble up in my chest.

The sound of someone loudly clearing their throat came from above us.

"You know, it's rather early for these kinds of shows, darling. They're usually more of a late night, seedy theater sort of thing." a familiar voice called down.

We both looked up to see Dorian leaning over the banister, watching us with a mixture of amusement and annoyance.

I flashed a grin at him and he rolled his eyes. "Carry on then, but do keep in mind there's a terrible echo here."

Solas straightened and I could detect a hint of embarrassment. I smirked, remembering how he had reacted to Sera's prying in the party banters.

"The fine line between dreams and reality may be a matter for debate," I said, smiling up at him, "but I'd rather know where we stand for certain."

"I believe we have crossed the line of friendship."

"Are we enemies now?" I asked with mock incredulity. 

He smirked and tilted my chin up to him. "The worst kind. Stealing kisses and warring tongues."

I closed my eyes and let him steal my kisses, war with my tongue, and unknown to him, break into my heart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	9. Lying to You

Cassandra glared daggers at Varric from across the war table, who shifted uncomfortably next to Hawke.

The last six hours had been chock full of yelling and accusations being flung back and forth between the Seeker and the dwarf. I wished that it would be a brief argument like the cutscene, but in real life it stretched on for ages. Apparently, the Inquisitor had indeed gone through the whole ordeal of Cassandra chasing down Varric and berating him for hiding Hawke's whereabouts, but it didn't end there. They had taken it to the War Room where Cullen, Leliana, and Josephine spent the time grilling Hawke for information while Cassandra seethed in a corner and attacked Varric at every given chance. Leires had finally grown tired of mediating and summoned me from my very comfortable position on Solas' couch in the rotunda. She told me curtly that there was an issue where my  _Sight_ was needed and led me down the drafty hall to the large doors. Even through the thick wood, I could hear the sound of Cassandra shouting down Varric.

Leires paused to give me a grim look before pushing the door open.

"-selfish, irresponsible, lying piece of-"

_"Cassandra!"  
_

The short-haired woman's eyes flashed dangerously as she rounded on Leliana, who was scowling at her.

"You wish for  _me_ to hold my tongue as well as Varric has? Forgive and forget?" she flared. "Nights we spent up worrying, praying, looking for a hero to lead, and he was sitting on the Champion's location the entire time!"

"And did the Maker not answer our prayers, Cassandra?" Leliana asked her with a note of frustration. "Do we not now have a Herald to lead our cause?"

"So that is it? Providence steps in to save us and Varric's treachery is to be forgotten?" Cassandra retorted.

"Oh, I see. It's treachery now to spare someone from being a sacrificial lamb?" came Varric's sarcastic tone from a distant corner of the table.

" _You knew full well the position we were in! How dare you stand here and-"_

"ENOUGH!" Leires thundered.

Six heads snapped to the front of the room where we stood by the door.

I watched as the white-haired Dalish woman pinched the bridge of her nose and let out an exasperated sigh.

"For fucks sake, stop it already. Done is done." She looked at Cassandra directly before continuing.  " _I_ am the one leading the Inquisition, Cassandra. I may not have been your ideal choice, but here I am."

"Inquisitor! I did not mean.."

But Leires held up her hand and then turned to Varric. "And you. No more lying. You choose whose side you are on right now and stick to it. We cannot afford anyone hoarding valuable information that could aid us greatly."

He held up his hands as if in surrender. "Alright, alright!"

I cleared my throat. "Er, that's all well and good, but why am I here?"

"You are here to put an end to their feud once and for all. I may have silenced them for now, but doubt still lingers." Leires said, her eyes focusing on Cassandra for a brief moment.

"And how do you expect me to do that? Fortell the next coming of  _Swords and Shields_?" 

Cassandra's face reddened and Varric's eyebrows rose.

"No," Leires snapped impatiently, "you will tell us Hawke's true purpose in all of this."

I paused at that. It would be a difficult question to maneuver, because although I always saved Hawke in my playthroughs, real-life Leires may choose to spare Stroud instead. I couldn't guarantee anything here, so I had to choose my words carefully.

Leires did not take my silence well. 

"Or perhaps," she said slowly, her expression clouding. "Hawke is actually meant to be the one to lead..?"

"No." I said firmly, taking a breath. "Cassandra, Hawke would never have led the Inquisition. There never was a path that would have ended up with that future. The Inquisitor would always be the one who bore the anchor, no one else."

"Varric still-"

"That you are angry over his lie, I understand." I cut in. "But that is his last betrayal. Varric will not lie to you again, Wicked Grace aside."

She cast a menacing glare in his direction but eventually her features relaxed and she seemed assuaged.

"And Hawke's purpose?" prompted my Lavellan, her gold-violet eyes on me.

"Hawke is crucial to the coming events. I believe soon she will be introducing you to an old friend of hers," I said and watched as Hawke's eyebrows rose, "and he will also play a key role in what is to come. Both are essential for a major turning point."

Leliana turned suspiciously to Hawke. "Who is this old friend of yours?"

"A Warden." she replied shortly.

"Stroud." I supplied, seeing no point in hiding it.

"How do you-"

"Who is this Warden and how can he be of use to us?" Leliana pressed on.

"He has some valuable information."

"He's going to tell you about how the Wardens in Orlais are all hearing the calling now." I added again, feeling annoyed at how obtuse Hawke was being. 

"Perhaps you should simply be asking her the questions from now on." Hawke said coldly to Leliana.

I held up my hands and shrugged. "I'm just letting you know that  _I_ know. And you guys can trust her. You're meant to go with her and meet Stroud and go where that leads you."

Leires turned to Cassandra. "So are you sufficiently convinced now?"

"I... I am."

"And can we continue our meeting without any more of yours and Varric's bickering?"

"Yes."

"Varric?" Leires turned to him.

"Hey, as long as no one's attacking me..."

"Good. Then let's get on with this."

 

* * *

 

 

When I finally made my way back to the rotunda, grumpy and exhausted, I found Solas waiting for me with dinner. He had cleared his table of parchments and stone tablets and had set an extra chair for me to sit in. I surveyed the steaming plates and gave him a grateful grin.

"Long day?" he asked, taking in my haggard appearance.

"You have no idea." I said before throwing myself into the chair. "Cassandra and Varric were at each other's throats all day and I had to go and reassure them that everything is coming along as it should."

"And were you able to reconcile them?"

"Oh yes," I said brightly. "They're brushing each other's hair and making friendship bracelets as we speak."

He chuckled at that. "I should have known better than to ask."

He sat across from me, watching as I devoured the braised druffalo cutlets he had neatly arranged on a dish for me.

"Do you want some?" I asked him, raising my fork towards him.

He shook his head. 

"Do you even  _need_ to eat?" 

He knew that I was referencing his being a god and all.

"In this body, yes."

"Do you have a different body?"

"Well," he began slowly, "the appearance is similar. This form is my own, yes, but it is weak. I am not yet...restored to what I was."

"Will those long, flowing dreadlocks be making a comeback when you are?" I smirked.

He seemed surprised by the question, or perhaps by me knowing he had had hair, and ran a hand self-consciously along the top of his bald head.

"I..."

"Solas." I reached across the table and placed my hand on top of his. "I was joking. Hair or no hair, you're still you. It's you I care about."

I watched his mouth as it formed the word. His pearly teeth touched his bottom lip, his tongue lifted to the roof of his mouth.

" _Vhenan."_

It was the first time he had said it to me in real life. I could practically feel my face glowing as it echoed in my ears. 

His fingers traced up my hand, sliding up the underside of my arm and briefly brushing against the long scar. I recoiled without thinking, knocking over the wine glass that had been next to me.

"Oh!" I cried out in surprise as it smashed.

The shards were being swept up in a quick movement of his hand, but the moment was ruined. I cursed myself a thousand times over inwardly for reacting.

"What was that?" 

His eyes were fixed on my face, watching intently. I could feel my heart beginning to race as I desperately racked my head for an excuse.

"You know," I began with a smile, trying to be humorous, "I think you found a new tickle spot."

But he didn't smile back. He made a motion as if to reach for me and I pulled my arm back reflexively.

I hated it. I hated the way my body acted on its own, hated how that stupid scar would always be there as a reminder and anyone who came close to it came too close to the truth that I was avoiding. 

"You are attempting to draw attention away from the truth."

" _You_ would know all about that." I snapped at him, feeling increasingly cornered.

"I would, actually," he said and stepped towards me. "And while I am quite content to continue doing so as far as others are involved, I do not wish to spin a web of secrets between us."

I said nothing to that, my mouth currently dry as a desert. 

This whole time, weeks and months passing in this fairytale, and I had done what I had always done and swept my demons under the rug. 

It was always there in the back of my head, a little voice whispering that it would all catch up to me soon. But in this world, so removed from my own reality, I was able to put an ocean of distance between what led me here and myself. I could pretend to really be this Seer, star-child, girl who fell from a rift. I could laugh and seem light as a feather, and whenever people asked me about my family I could bullshit until the end of time. I could be whomever I wanted to be and no one could contradict me or tell me otherwise.

But I was trying to rebuild a castle on a broken foundation. And now someone was noticing the cracks. 

"Vhenan."

There it was again, that word. Just a few moments ago I thought my heart was going to burst from happiness when he first said it. Now all I could feel was the anchor of guilt dragging me down and drowning me under the crashing waves of my sea of secrets.

_I have to tell him.._

He was looking into my eyes with such concern and care. I couldn't do it to him. I just couldn't stand there and lie and pretend like none of it had happened. 

"I want to tell you. Just not..not here."

My voice wavered and died off.

He kissed my forehead, lips pressing against the skin softly. His hand found mine and soon after he was guiding me out of the rotunda, my feet following his along an unfamiliar path. The whole time he didn't say a word, but his grip on my hand remained firm and reassuring. 

Up a flight of stairs, down a long hallway, through a door, we arrived in what I assumed was his sleeping quarters. He gently guided me to a chair and sat me down before turning to close the door.

A click of a lock and he turned back to me.

"Talk to me."

I nodded and took a breath to steady myself. I knew that whatever came afterwards, I would have no one else to blame but myself for it.

_I will protect you..._

_Come what may..._

_Vhenan..._

I opened my mouth and 24 years of emotions began to pour out. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	10. The Truth Will Set you Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stella comes clean about her past demons.

"I just felt like I had nothing left to fuck up." I said, my voice wavering. "It was an easy choice at the time. I thought...well I thought I would _die._ I didn't expect to continue. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that _this_ would have happened."

The last few hours had been spent unloading everything that had led me up to that morning in my tub. He listened silently, intently, his eyes on my face the whole time. Even though I couldn't stand to look at him half the time, I could still feel him watching me. It was reassuring and unnerving at the same time.

It was the first time someone had really sat there and listened, and the first time I had honestly told anyone all my inner turmoil. It was soothing to have someone who sat there and absorbed my grief and demons like a sponge, not judging me, just simply listening and urging me to go on gently.

I closed my eyes for a moment and recalled my parents and I sitting at the therapist's office, my father's face like stone. They called it "the rich man's disease", a product of western society.

 _"After all,"_ my father had said dismissively, _"depression doesn't even exist in these third-world countries. When you have to actually work to survive, where's the time?"_

 

They had never taken the depression as a "real" disease, nor did they believe me when I told them I literally couldn't get out of bed when I was at my worst.

_"For God's sake, Stella, enough already. Your legs aren't crippled. It's all in your head. When are you going to get your life together? Craig Donnelly's kid is already done with his law degree.."_

My failed engagement.

_"I'm sorry, Stella. I know, I'm the piece of shit in all of this, but I just can't handle it anymore. I don't know how to talk to you. Yea, I do believe depression is a real disease. But now you're infecting me. I just can't anymore."_

My friends growing tired of me avoiding social situations.

 _"Of course you're depressed. You just lock yourself up in that room all day. You missed_ my _birthday because you were feeling down?"_

"I was disappointing someone at every turn." Tears were running down my cheeks and I turned away from him, ashamed. "I felt completely worthless. Eventually I felt nothing. And so I wanted to be nothing. Because being nothing meant not feeling pain, feeling _anything._ "

He was turning me, his gentle hands on my shoulders,  his fingers coming up to brush my falling tears away.

"You are not worthless. You are not nothing."

More tears. There was something sweet and painful about hearing those words from a real person, rather than from one of the countless self-help books that lined my shelves back home.

"You are priceless." he continued, looking at my disbelieving face. "Someone extraordinary. For what plain person would fall through a rift between worlds?"

I let out a half-sob and half-laugh at that and he was kissing my face then, soft lips that caressed my skin and took away the tears, shame, and the pain.

"There are days when I wake up and I am terrified that I've gone back." I admitted to him.

"I suspect that going back would entail you going through the same ritual you did to come here."

"Ritual?"

"In a way," he said slowly, "you did something similar to blood magic. Perhaps you did not necessarily wish to die so much as to begin again. And it was so strong of a feeling that some thread, some piece of the universe, latched onto you and pulled you through when you spent your blood."

"But I don't have any magic."

"No, but I did not say it was magic exactly. Only that the steps were similar to a blood magic ritual. Blood is extremely powerful, so that to spill it willingly, you draw the attention of forces beyond our comprehension."

I mulled over his words for a bit. It was the only explanation that made some kind of sense as nothing that I had come up with was fitting.

"I can't imagine wanting to go back that badly." I told him, wiping my nose on my sleeve. "This is the first time in a long time that I actually feel happy. That I feel excited. That I feel wanted, needed, with a purpose."

He smiled down at me and I let out a shaky laugh. The albatross that had been hanging around my neck since I got here was finally lifted.

"Solas," I began as I looked down at my scar, "please don't tell the others. I would rather.."

"Vhenan."

I looked up at him. That word that had started all of this, I was finally able to enjoy it without guilt.

"Never." he promised.

The sky was dark now, well into the night, but the moon was full and yellow and filtered through the window, illuminating him and giving him an ethereal glow.

He seemed every bit the knight in shining armor from the fairytales, the prince who came to save the princess. And though I was a modern day woman who prided myself in being self-sufficient and independent, a part of me always longed for that hero who would come and save me from my gray tower.

My arms came around his neck and I buried my face into his chest, inhaling the sweet and woodsy scent of him. Everything about him soothed me. His voice was like a sweet melody, his touch was like a balm on scorched skin, and the sound of his heart beating so surely in his chest made me feel oceans of calmness and certainty in knowing that he really was here and alive with me. I felt as if I could drink in this moment, in his arms, for eternity and still never have my thirst quenched.

"I will protect you." he said softly, his fingers running through my hair. "Always."

We stayed that way for god knows how long, me just pressed up against him, and Solas simply stroking my hair, bathed in moonlight.

_If I am dreaming or dead, let me lie like this forever._

I lifted my head, my lips finding his, letting him run his hands over my back and slowly twine his tongue with mine.

_Forever._

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again guys!! Every kudos and comment is so encouraging. I am currently finishing up some classes for my degree so I'm sorry it's been slow. There's lots of progress being made in my person affairs right now though and writing has definitely contributed to much of that. Thank you for sticking with me!


	11. Take a Hike

"Pleaaaase?"

"No."

"Oh my god, come on Solas."

"No."

I threw myself back onto his couch grumpily and crossed my arms, staring pointedly at him.

He looked back at me, completely unmoved.

"I'm withering away in here. There's nothing to do." I pouted.

"Better that you be bored and safe than seriously injured or killed because you wanted to traipse about the Storm Coast."

I had spent the entire morning trying to convince him to let me come out with them on one of their excursions. With the initial wow-factor of actually being in Skyhold wearing off, I was becoming restless and bored with the mundaneness of what I assumed medieval life was like. I mean, the magic part was awesome, and back on Earth we didn't have wyverns or necromancy, but it's not like I could really partake in any of the more exciting bits. I was as muggle as it gets and couldn't even shoot an arrow or swing a sword to redeem my lack of magical talent.

My only real "gift" was the foresight bit and that could only really get me so far. When common people began to come up to me asking for fortune tellings I had to act mortally offended that they would treat my divine blessing with such carelessness.

"The Inner Eye does not see upon command!" I gasped, putting on my best Trelawney impression.

And though I loved Dorian's company, he was so often being called out on missions that I rarely had the time to see him anymore. Likewise, Solas was also accompanying the Inquisitor more frequently now, so I was left to my own devices most of the time. That either meant wandering around the fortress and exploring things in real life detail, or, surprisingly, spending time in Cole's little corner on the top floor of the tavern. It wasn't that Iron Bull, Sera, or Varric weren't excellent company, but they seemed to take my "gift" a little less welcomingly than the others did. Not surprising, considering how Bull and Sera had reacted in the fade or to anything magic related. And as for Varric, well, I suppose he believed that I could read through all his dark secrets like an open book.

I understood them, I really did. I would find it unnerving if someone could so-called "read" me and know things about me without me telling them, know what was coming. I would wonder about it every time they looked at me, wonder if the reason they looked at me so sadly was because they knew I was going to suffer some terrible fate. Or if every time they smiled that they were actually giddy with the foreknowledge of some event that was going to befall me.

Cole was a respite from that. He was beautiful and sweet and every time we spoke it felt like he was taking the strange gray area between my known feelings and putting them into tangible words and descriptions. 

After I had told Solas about my suicide, I had visited Cole. I had been avoiding him a little before, afraid that he would tap right into my hurt and blurt out something that would give it away to everyone.

"So many layers. Like dusty rugs and you keep sweeping the dirt under them but the house stays filthy." His voice had that odd faraway tone to it.

"I guess that's one way to put it..."

"But he makes it clean. He is the water that washes it away and now the floors shine and the house is a home again."

I smiled at that, thinking how much lighter I felt after telling him. 

"This place...it's like getting a second chance, but with all the right tools this time." 

He nodded, his oversized hat obscuring his pale face as it dipped down. 

"For me too."

But as lovely as Cole was, it was hard to have a concrete conversation with him. Josephine was almost always busy entertaining dignitaries, Leliana was often hard to find, and Cullen was so busy overseeing the growing army that I wondered how Leires was even finding the time to sweet-talk him. 

That was one divergent already. In my Dalish elf playthrough, I had romanced Solas, having romanced Cullen in a previous game with my Trevelyan. But one afternoon I had come up to Dorian's section of the library and he had turned to me with a smug grin.

"Someone's found a fat vat of gossip."

His eyes flashed and his grin widened. "Do I, ever."

"Well, what is it then?"

"Our very own Herald of Andraste and her Commander-"

"Kissing on the parapets?" I cut in excitedly.

He gave me a sour look. "If you already knew, darling..."

"Sorry!"

But I wasn't really  _that_ sorry. I was more relieved if anything. I had been worried as hell wondering what would happen if some fucked up love triangle would emerge between Leires, Solas, and I. Cullen's romance had been sweet and I was glad that she had gone that route. _  
_

_And he won't leave her._

It was something I had been wondering, and as my relationship with Solas grew more intense, detached thoughts became stomach-turning worries.

Would he leave? He  _had_ only left because he couldn't tell the Inquisitor the truth and was afraid to hurt her. But I knew his real identity and his purpose. I could help him...

_You can't even fire an arrow. He is afraid to let you venture, surrounded by seasoned warriors as you would be, for fear of something befalling you. Help him? Hinder him, more likely._

"Shut up." I muttered angrily to myself.

"What?"

Dorian was giving me a puzzled expression.

"Er..nothing."

"You really need a hobby. I think you're starting to crack a bit, all cooped up in here."

"I know." I sighed miserably.

And so I had gone to Solas, hoping that he would see the extent of my plight and eagerly agree. I imagined his eyes lighting up and a smile spreading on his face when I'd suggest going to ancient ruins and retrieving elven artifacts that I knew were hidden there.

But he flat out refused.

"So you'd rather I die of boredom than in a way cooler way?" I fumed, brushing away his concern. _  
_

"I'd rather that you didn't die at all."

"Well I just might jump from the highest tower for some excitement." I grumbled.

_"Vhenan!"_

His head snapped up from the map he had been poring over and his face had gone white. I realized my mistake too late.

"Solas, no! I didn't mean...agh." I rose from the couch and walked over to him, kissing him gently. "I didn't mean anything by it. I'm not in that place anymore."

His arms came around me and pulled me close to him. I rested my cheek against that gray sweater of his, which was surprisingly soft and cozy to the touch, and he rested his chin atop my head.

"I do not wish to see you hurt, no matter how well I trust my abilities or the ones of those around us." came his voice from above me.

"I know." I said softly, my arms tightening around him.

"But," he continued softly, "I realize that a gilded cage could be just as dangerous in other ways."

I pulled back from him to study his face.

"What are you saying?"

He gave a sigh of defeat and I practically squealed.

"YES!"

" _One_ trip."

"YESSSS!"

"I said  _one._ "

But try as he might, he couldn't stop himself from smiling at my hopping up and down.

"Where are we going to go?" I asked excitedly.

"I have asked the Inquisitor for her aid in securing an elven relic located in the Hinterlands. It should be a safe enough trip for you to accompany us on."

"Oh, it is. You'll only meet another elven woman and fight a few monsters, nothing serious."

He blinked.

"Oh," I said, forgetting for the millionth time that I was the one who had played that scenario a hundred times, "sorry. It's just the Sight."

"Ah, of course," he said apologetically, "It is just something that seems to catch me off guard each time."

"I can imagine."

I lingered for a while longer, then set off to go pack some provisions for the next morning.

I was so stoked to see the Hinterlands in person, even if they were the most tame area as far as the game went. I hoped that if all went well he would consider taking me on more trips. I had always wanted to see the Western Approach in reality. I imagined camping under the stars, the silky desert sand beneath us, Solas' hands sliding up my thighs...

We hadn't gotten to that point yet.

I told myself that it was just hard to find the time, with him on a mission almost every other week, and when he was in Skyhold his attention was needed elsewhere as far as the War Council was involved. And for the most part, yea, the time just wasn't there. But a small part of me sensed something else. Like despite me knowing him, despite the wall that had been there with the Inquisitor because of the lies he had to spin, there was something that held him back. It was the way he kissed me, the way I could feel his eagerness and want, and I knew we could do it then and there behind a dusty bookshelf, on the grass outside of the fortress, but each time there was a block. As if he was afraid, afraid of hurting me or himself, or perhaps afraid of what it would mean once we had sex. Each time we would go a bit further, me straddling him, grinding down against the hardness that pushed through his rawhide leggings, my nails raking the skin of his back under his shirt, his teeth on my neck...but we just never got further. He would pull himself away, his eyes boring into mine with a lusty gaze and then turn away.

"Not now." he would say.

"Please." I would beg, my voice husky and my cheeks flushed.

"Soon. I promise, soon."

I would lay in bed after each time, my fingers giving me the release I so desperately needed from him. It was like dying of thirst and getting drip drops of water. 

I wanted him. 

I  _needed_ him.

_Goddamnit._

I slammed the full pack on a wooden chair in my room and shook my head, clearing the thoughts.

Hopefully the hike tomorrow would relieve some of the pent up tension.

I extinguished the torches and crawled under my covers, knowing I would need a decent amount of sleep to spend the next day running from bears and templars gone mad.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so we're getting to the end of the slow-burn chapters. just a few more and I can promise some real smut will start happening. As always, thanks for the feedback and support! Currently, I usually get time to write at night when I get home from class/work so things are going a little slowly, but my schedule should free up pretty soon so more time to bang out those chapters. <3


	12. Wisdom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Wisdom becomes corrupted and Stella comforts Solas. NSFW content.

You know those mornings when you wake up and you just feel that something is amiss? It might be the way the sunlight filters through your window, or perhaps there's a strange staleness in the air. It's never something catastrophic or very obvious, but just a slight shift in the world that lets you know the day is already off track.

Well, that's how I felt when I opened my eyes that morning. 

I sat up slowly, looking around groggily. Judging by the brightness of the light, it was still early morning, but past the time I thought someone should be coming to wake me up.

My stomach immediately clenched a bit at the thought of being forgotten.

_Stop it._

Swinging my legs over the side of the bed, I got up and began to dress quickly. I slung the heavy pack over my shoulders and set off towards the main hall in a hurried pace, anxious to see what was going on. I was certain Solas wouldn't go back on his promise like that, but a small part of me wondered if perhaps he had slept on it, woken up and decided that it was too risky after all to bring me.

The thought hastened my pace and I trudged up the stone stairs towards the main hall, my heart thumping with each footfall.

Pushing the heavy wooden doors, I found Dorian and Varric sitting at the table across from Solas' rotunda door, plates of breakfast still in front of them. Their gear was on the floor next to them and their weapons leaned casually against the tall-backed chairs. 

Dorian waved to me as I strode over to them, taking a sip of what I assumed was coffee.

"What's going on?" I asked. "Why haven't any preparations been made to leave yet?"

"Something's come up with Chuckles." Varric shrugged, glancing over at the shut rotunda door.

"What?"

"Says his friend's gone missing or something. There's a change of plans as far as where we're going today, it seems. Leires is mapping it out with him right now."

"His friend's gone missing?" I asked blankly. 

"I know," said Dorian, his eyes twinkling with laughter, "I also couldn't believe he actually  _had_ friends."

Ignoring him, I dropped my pack by his chair and crossed the hall, pushing the rotunda door open.

Leires and Solas had their backs to me, seemingly bent over a large map. He was making careful pencil marks on a part of it and I waited until he lifted the pencil before speaking.

"Solas?"

His back straightened and he turned towards me with a troubled face.

"Vhenan. I am afraid that something has come up and we will not be going to the Hinterlands, afterall."

I glanced over at Leires who was now facing us with her arms folded and a grim expression. She glanced back at the map on the table for a moment before addressing Solas.

"The Exalted Plains. You're sure?" she asked him.

"Absolutely certain."

It hit me then what was happening.

_Wisdom._

He must have just had the dream about Wisdom being drawn out of the Fade by the mages. My heart sank as I realized that there would be no happy outcome in this.

She sighed. "Alright, Solas. We'll go rescue your friend."

"Thank you, Inquisitor."

He turned back to me. "Stella, I am sorry. I know you looked forward to an excursion today-"

"I'm going with you." I cut him off.

" _No._ " 

"What are you going to do? Chain me to the wall?" I demanded, angry that he seemed to think he could lord any such authority over me.

He looked for a moment like he would very much like to that exactly, before taking a breath.

"The Exalted Plains are far more dangerous than the Hinterlands. We must make haste. We will venture out together another day."

I looked to Leires but she shook her head. "Another time, Stella."

I considered my options. It wasn't exactly like I  _could_ help. This quest only had one outcome and nothing I did or knew could prevent that from happening. On the other hand, I wanted so badly to be there to support him.

_He will return to Skyhold_ , I reasoned reluctantly.

"I hope everything goes well." I told him, the words feeling hollow to me.

He gave me a grateful smile before kissing me softly and then turning to collect his gear. 

I watched them gallop out of the main gate sadly, knowing the pain that awaited him.

* * *

 

"Guilt. Helplessness. It's pulling you down." came the dreamy, whispery voice from under his wide-brimmed hat.

We were sitting on a ledge that overlooked the courtyard so that I could have full view of the main gate. Cole had been at my side for the good part of the last three days, perhaps drawn to my muddle of emotions.

"I know it's not my fault. I just wish there was something I could actually do. I feel so..."

"Useless."

I flinched at the accuracy of it. "Yes."

"But you are not. You guide them, mark the points for them, light the beacons so they may follow the right path. Without you they fumble in the dark, groping the walls for the way, but you are the one who guides now."

He said it all so matter-of-factley all while carelessly swinging his legs over the ledge like a carefree child. It almost made falling through a rift into Thedas seem quite normal compared to the bizarreness of the current situation.

We sat there quietly for a moment longer as I mulled over his words. It was late afternoon now and the golden sunlight that was bathing the courtyard gilded everything it touched. I thought myself quite poetic and likened it to my situation, how it turned me from an ordinary being to a beacon of light as Cole had put it. It was true, for the first time in a long while I felt I had purpose. I felt like I wasn't a burden to someone.

My thoughts turned to Solas, my heart feeling a pang of sadness for what he must be feeling right now. Bull had told me the journey to the Exalted Plains took a day, so they were due back any moment now. I had been playing sentinel over the gates with Cole by my side all day, eager to have them here again.

I wondered how long it would take him to get back after they had arrived. I assured myself that it would not be too long and that he would definitely be back. It was all I could do to assuage the mounting anxiety that had been accumulating in the last three days. 

"You try to keep it under control without the help now. You had help before. But now it is only you..." 

I nodded absentmindedly. I did have help. I had orange bottles full of benzos that took it away and left me feeling numb, which was always preferable to the chaos inside me. 

But I had stopped months ago. They couldn't save me from the crippling cloud of self-loathing and sadness that enveloped me before I decided to end it all. Perhaps it had been my sudden withdrawal from the medication that made me snap, but I felt that regardless of how I weaned myself off of them, it would have all ended up the same.

"They were my crutch." I told him. "But now I need to learn to hobble on by myself."

* * *

It was nearly night when they returned, Solas notably missing from the party.

Dorian and I had curled up in armchairs in the library with a bottle of wine as he recounted the events of their trip. I, of course, already knew the gist of it, but it was still interesting to hear his real life account of it all.

"And then the fool begins blubbering about how he's an expert on demons after reading a few silly books on the subject. You should have seen Solas' face, I thought the idiot mage's head was going to explode."

I smirked, recalling the way he had cut him off with that icy 'Shut. Up.'

"We ended up having to smash the pillars they had set up the summoning circle with to free the demon. Lucky that Leires had knowledge of this sort of thing, Maker knows what would have happened if we had actually just attacked the damn thing and killed it."

"Solas would probably have exploded more than one head."

"Mm." Dorian said, taking a sip of the scarlet wine. "Set more than one head on fire, though."

"Leires let him kill them, then?"

"I don't think she wanted to put herself between him and the mages, to be honest."

"Did he say where he was going..?"

Dorian gave me an understanding look. "No. But you shouldn't worry. He'll be back."

I nodded and drank my wine, hoping that it could settle my nerves for tonight.

"How was he?" I asked, heavyhearted and upset that I couldn't be there in his time of need.

"He was...distraught. Odd as it may be, he seemed to have a close bond with the spirit."

I nodded absentmindedly, hoping he would be back soon. 

"Anyway, I'm glad to be off missions for a while now."

"What do you mean?"

"The Inquisitor is going to the Western Approach, following some lead with Stroud, Hawke, and Varric. I wasn't asked to join them, that honor goes to Cassandra and Sera."

_Soon Adamant will be upon us_ , I thought grimly. I briefly wondered who Leires would choose to sacrifice. Personally, I had always gone with Stroud. My ties to Hawke ran too deep for me to ever really be able to sacrifice her.

"Well, good. You can keep me company in my prison since I'm not even allowed to stick a toe outside of this place." I said bitterly.

"Feeling caged, are we?" he smiled at me before refilling his glass.

"Care to fix that?" I looked at him hopefully.

Dorian barked a laugh. "I've just seen your lover easily decimate three mages. I really don't wish to cross him."

"Three novice mages. You're telling me that Dorian Pavus equates himself to three shitty Circle mages?" I baited him. _  
_

He waved my attempt off. "Nice try, darling."

I scowled at him.

* * *

 

I woke to the feeling of fingers running along my shoulder and down my arm and a warm, solid body against my back. The scent of him, light and woodsy, soothed me and I sank back against him. 

It was raining outside and for a moment I simply existed, taking in the soft patter of the droplets and feeling his chest rise and fall against my back.

I wondered how long he had been back and if I was the first he came to see. I remembered in the cutscene it was the Inquisitor who greeted Solas upon his return, but I couldn't count on everything following the script to a tee anymore.

"I was afraid you weren't coming back." I murmured sleepily.

"I could hardly abandon you." he whispered into my ear, his soft breath ghosting on the skin and sending a shiver through me.

"I'm sorry about your friend."

He was silent but held me tighter, almost desperately.

I understood him, I really did. I knew the feeling of loss, of being afraid to lose someone afterwards.

"It hurts." He said in an uncharacteristically small voice.

"I know." I said, the fingers of my free arm twining with those of the arm that clasped me to his chest.

"If not for you...I would feel utterly alone."

A pang of sorrow struck my heart. I had same the same things once upon a time to my fiancee.

But he hadn't understood, not in the way where he had ever felt the same way.

Solas did, however.

 

We were two lonely souls that fate had thrown together, clinging to each other and trying to fill in the spaces. We both had things we wanted to forget, and some things we wanted to remember. I wanted to forget the pain in my heart and remember what it felt like to be wanted, to be kissed with want, to feel passion. I yearned for his touches to erase the feelings of worthlessness, for his tongue to rewrite and reinvent me in every way.

I wanted to take his pain away. I wanted him to take mine. I wanted him to take  _me._

I turned my body towards him and slid one leg over his, my hips pushing against him. I wanted to entwine myself with him, slowly, languidly, savoring every moment and touch. 

His lips pressed against mine, caressing them gently, his tongue parting them and tasting mine. I moaned softly, my free arm wrapping around him and pulling him tightly against me. His hand came up to my hair, long fingers pulling through the strands, nails gently running along my scalp and back of my neck.

I caught his bottom lip in between my teeth playfully, and he sucked in a breath. I felt his grip tighten on my hair and he pulled my head back, exposing my neck to him. I let out a shaky breath as he peppered the skin with burning kisses, each more hungry than the last, until he reached my shoulder and his teeth sank in. I gasped, completely thrilled by the idea of him marking me.

He rolled on top of me, pausing for a moment to look down into my eyes. His own were dark and lusty, unbridled and wild like a thunderstorm in full force. My heart was pounding and I felt myself becoming unnerved by the intensity of his gaze.

His movements were slow and deliberate. A hand came up to my cheek, his thumb running over my lips. His fingers trailed down my jawline, down my neck and over the bite mark, to the laced up front of the long white night shirt that I wore to bed. He pulled the lace and let it become undone.

My chest rose and fell rapidly, and his eyes lingered on the swell of my breasts that peeked over the top of the unlaced shirt, before he completely opened it, leaving me bare under him save for the thin panties I still wore.

He leaned down, his ghosting over my collarbone, slowly making his way down to my left breast. His hand cupped it gently and he took the nipple in his mouth, his tongue teasing it until it was completely stiff.

My lips parted and I drew a ragged breath when he sucked it. His free hand was on my hip, sliding down to my thigh and gripping it possessively. The heat growing between my legs was bound to consume me, coupled with his teasing.

He noticed it too because he raised his head from my stiff nipples and watched my expression as his hand slipped past my inner thigh and upwards. 

The tips of his fingers brushed against my lips and elicited a moan from me.

"Please." 

"Please what?"

"I need.."

"Tell me what you need."

"I need you inside me." 

He pushed a finger inside me, feeling my wetness and dragging it up slowly to my clit. 

He was lighting a wildfire and I was powerless to stop it. I moaned loudly in response to his touch, bucking my hips up towards him, demanding more.

His fingers slipped and slid in an out of me and when he had teased me enough, he bent his head and his hot tongue carressed me, until I was gripping the sheets and my toes were curling tightly. 

_Thank god for stone walls,_ I thought fleetingly as my moans grew louder and louder.

"So close," I gasped. "Please!"

I felt him pull back, the sound of his leggings being pulled down, and in another moment he was hovering over me, his hardness pressing against my slickness. 

"Please." I whispered, looking him straight in the eye, my bitten lips parting to let out a moan.

He watched as my fingers slipped down between my legs and into myself, teasing myself for him.

"I need you."

He came undone. The wall that had been there each time before crumbled, as did any resolve he had to tell me 'no'.

He let out a deep moan as he pushed into me and I clenched up around him. My nails were on his back and with each thrust, I dug them deeper. He filled me up so perfectly, so completely, and I cried out when his hands encircled my hips and he thrust deeper into me.

Fervent mutterings in Elvish spilled from his lips and mingled with my own filthy words. He was burying himself in me, harder, faster, and I knew I was barely hanging on now. I stroked myself while he fucked me, feeling the orgasm building, no longer aware of what was coming out of my mouth. 

One more flick of the finger.

One more hard thrust.

There was a burst of bright white light behind my eyeballs and I could practically see my synapses firing.

"Solas!" I cried out, my entire body shaking. 

" _Vhenan!"_

He rode my orgasm out before he pulled out quickly, with something akin to a  _growl,_ and spilled himself on my stomach.

I lay there, eyes closed and covered in him, every cell in my body buzzing with electricity, taking in shaky breaths.

A minute or two later, I felt him lift off the bed and a moment after there was some kind of soft cloth cleaning up the stickyness on my skin.

The mattress sunk again and he was back to where he started, with his chest against my back, spooning me, his lips to my ear.

"Ar lath, ma vhenan." 

I felt around for the sorrow in my heart, but there was none to be found.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long gap here. So much going on the last few weeks. This is the first night I've been able to properly sit down and write on my computer and Im hoping to get back into the swing of it. I hope this chapter makes up for my absence. Also, who else is super excited for the deep roads DLC thats coming next week?!


	13. The Coming Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prelude to Adamant

Nothing could diminish the glow I felt at lunch, for it had been long past breakfast when we finally ambled out of bed. Or so I thought.

Dorian gave me a knowing look when I sat down and I simply beamed at him before tucking into the druffalo steak. Solas, in his usual fashion, was not a big eater and had decided to go to the rotunda to pore over his countless maps and tomes instead.

"So..."

A sly grin spread over my face but I quickly replaced it with an innocent expression. He had been badgering me silently for ten minutes by making expectant faces and staring pointedly at me. 

"What?"

He rolled his eyes. "Games are left for Orlesian nobles. I thought we were  _friends_."

My hand flew to my heart and I gasped dramatically. "Did Dorian Pavus seriously just call me his friend?"

"On second thought..."

"I don't kiss and tell." I said and suppressed a grin as he scowled.  "But if I  _did,_ I would tell you it was amazing."

"Really? I didn't think he had it in him."

"He didn't have it in him, he had it in me."

He choked on his wine and laughed through his coughing fit.

"Maker's breath, Stella." he wheezed out.

I smirked at him and patted his back, hoping to dislodge some of the liquid from his lungs.

"Well good for you." He said as soon as he recovered. "It was about time. I was beginning to wonder if you two would ever get around to it. All that afterhours grappling behind the bookshelves.."

I practically inhaled a piece of my steak. "Dorian!"

He smirked and opened his mouth to say something saucy no doubt, when the doors leading to the hall of the War Room burst open and Leires appeared, closely followed by Leliana. She had a frenzied look and had a vice grip on a piece of parchment in her hand. 

I felt my stomach flip and Dorian had half risen from the table in alarm. 

"What's going on?"

It was Hawke who answered as she came through the door, Varric just behind her. "We have just been informed of the ongoing situation at Adamant."

_Fuck._

"Which is?" Dorian asked, his brow furrowed as he glanced at the grim faces around.

_An army of demons..._

"It's best if we gathered everyone in the War Room so we can all be informed all at once." Leires said before turning to Leliana who nodded.

She beckoned to two of the idle squire boys and sent them off to collect the rest of the companions.

I already knew the details and didn't hang around to listen to Dorian trying to fish the details out of Varric. My food forgotten, I crossed the hall to the rotunda and pushed the door open hurriedly.

"Solas!"

He had been in his chair, lost in some book, and obviously relaxed. He immediately tensed at the edge in my voice and was on his feet before I could blink. 

"What has happened?" he asked, eyes scanning my face worriedly.

"The situation at Adamant. Come on, we have to go to the War Room."

He strode past me, reaching back to grab my hand and pull me along behind him. If this situation wasn't so urgent, I might have had time to relish just how endearing the gesture was.

\--

The air in the War Room was thick with tension and worry. 

Leires and Leliana were bent over the parchment, which had been spread on a corner of the war table that wasn't covered by map. Dorian was glowering at Varric who shrugged off his ire, and Hawke stood off to the side awkwardly. Josephine was scribbling furiously as Cullen rattled off the cavalry and provisions necessary.

The Inquisitor's head snapped up as we entered. The others hadn't found there way here yet.

"Stella."

She picked the parchment up and waved it in front of me.

"I'm going to guess you already know about this."

"Yes-"

"So you knew about an amassing demon army and didn't mention it?" Cullen's harsh voice cut in from my left.

" _Demon army?"_ came Dorian's shocked voice from the right.

"I thought it was established that the Seer must let certain events unfold. This was explained to you, was it not?" Solas turned coldly to face the ex-templar.

"Oh and what next, then? She just lets more go unsaid until Corypheus has torn this world apart?"

"You couldn't even tell me about the damned demon army?" Dorian angrily rounded on Varric.

I balked at Cullen. "No! Everything I do is to guide the Inquisitor so that she may prevail over Corypheus."

"So you say. But if we could have prevented this situation at Adamant, that would have been a blow indeed to Corypheus. It makes one wonder..."

"Watch your tongue." Solas snapped, his eyes narrowing at Cullen's implication.

"Cullen, the events at Adamant are absolutely necessary for crippling Corypheus!"

" _Varric are you going to tell me what-"_

 

" **ENOUGH!** "

Leires pounded hard on the table, sending small copper pieces scattering everywhere. Her violet and gold eyes flashed dangerously in the lantern light and the Anchor flared brightly, giving her an eerie glow.

Everyone froze and a deafening silence permeated the room.

A moment passed and the heavy door creaked open, Bull's head poking through as he examined the scene before him.

"Uh...hey Boss."

He came in, followed by Sera, Blackwall, Cole, Cassandra, and Vivienne. 

Sera looked around.

Cullen was still glaring at me and Solas was fixing him with the iciest of stares. Varric had his arms folded as Dorian was glowering down at him. Hawke's eyes were staring intently at a tile on the floor as if it were suddenly the most interesting thing in the world. Josephine's quill hung in midair and her mouth was slightly agape, and Leliana stood still as stone, her hood hiding her face. The copper map markers were everywhere, and Leires was looking around furiously.

"Well, shit." she said with an arched brow.

"Would someone care to illuminate us on why we have been summoned to this rather grim party?" came Vivienne's lilting voice from behind me.

Leires took a breath.

"I want everyone to listen and listen well.  _Cullen."_ she snapped as he still glared at me. He finally turned his head. 

"We must not turn on each other. Times are hard as it is and friends and allies are in scarcity. It is absolutely imperative that we trust each other."

Her eyes turned to me. "Stella. I trust you. And I want everyone to know this. Your guidance has helped us thus far. I cannot pretend to know why fate demands what it does, or why so many must die, but I am no fool to think that one like Corypheus can be defeated without bloodshed or difficult trials."

She glanced at Cullen, but his eyes were still on her. Satisfied, she looked back at me. "That is why I want you at Adamant."

Solas started next to me. "Inquisitor-"

She held her hand up. "No, Solas. I understand your concern, but we will take every precaution to protect her. Her guidance is crucial here. Maker knows what we will find within those walls..."

"I am not the Maker, but I do know." I said. "And I agree. You will need me to guide the way here...for more than demons and corrupt Wardens that await."

She nodded. "Then it is settled. You will be with us."

Solas did not look happy but he did not protest further. 

The companions were briefed on the situation, something that took a good two hours in itself. There was much speculation about the wardens involved, and I found it safe enough to explain about Clarel. After that we had to discuss tactics. How many men were needed? How much equipment? Would the alchemists be able to craft enough potions in time? Then the issue of my safety. Solas had been relatively complacent on all other matters but he would not be swayed here. He demanded that he be part of the Inquisitor's main party. Leires readily agreed, but he still seemed uneasy. There was a brief interlude for a hastily eaten dinner, then back to the war room.

 

It wasn't until it was black outside that Leires finally let us go. She, Cullen, Leliana, and Josephine stayed behind, pouring over that giant war table map and murmuring to each other. I could hear Dorian sniping with Varric as we turned to go, but the rest of the conversation was lost when the wooden door closed between us.

I followed Solas out in silence, expecting to go back to the rotunda, but he did not turn to say a word as he passed it and led me out of the castle into the night.

\--

We walked on in silence towards a secluded part of the garden. It was deserted at this time of night and I took a moment to enjoy the silence and light perfume of the blooming flowers. I closed my eyes and inhaled the crisp air deeply. It had been so hot and stuffy in that war room as if a wool blanket woven of tension and stress was thrown over me. 

When I opened my eyes he was facing me, his expression soft and a little sad.

"Solas.."

I reached up to stroke his cheek in an attempt to soothe him.

He sighed. "Adamant is no place for you."

"It is. Really. You guys need me there. It's going to be okay." I said as my thumb ran over his skin softly.

"You don't  _know_ that."

"Solas, I'm the Seer. Remember?"

"Yes. You have assured me of the _Inquisitor's_ safety. You have told me that you have  _seen_ the Inquisition prevail. But what about  _you_? Can you see your own fate?"

I paused.

What he was saying was true. I, myself, was never  _in_ the game when these events were unfolding. Who's to say a stray arrow wouldn't strike me tomorrow? Or a Pride demon fell me in on swoop? Or that damned dragon eat me up?

But then, I was always necessary wasn't I? I still had to guide them all through it. Or they'd never progress. They'd never defeat Corypheus without me. They'd stay stuck in whatever save state limbo if I didn't actively do something.

"I am crucial to this victory, Solas. I promise you. I will be alright." I said with more conviction than I really felt.

His eyes were oddly reflective, like a cat's, and I vaguely recalled reading lore about elves having that quality.

I tip-toed up and kissed him softly and he pulled me close, his arms around me protectively. His hand went up to my hair and I felt those elegant fingers combing through the strands gently. 

"I will protect you."

The same words he had said at Haven. And here I was still. 

"I know you will."

Even though I know all that awaited at Adamant, a sense of calm came over me just hearing him say it.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adamant will comprise the bulk of the next chapter. Im not sure if I should split up the events at Adamant and the Fade into two seperate chapters or just do one big one. I feel like the actual playthrough of Adamant seems long because there's a lot of fighting, and the Fade is actually more lengthy storywise. But we'll see what I end up doing


	14. Here Lies the Abyss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The events at Adamant

Have you ever been on an airplane and suddenly it starts going through turbulence? As it begins to toss and shake and you hear that ominous  _ding_ of the 'fasten seatbelt' sign, you feel an absolute sense of dread and claustrophobia. There's no getting off.

You can only endure. 

That was what Adamant felt like.

No one could have prepared me for the hell that was in store. From the moment I had entered, the center piece in a group of six and protected by a barrier shield, it had been complete and utter chaos. Men screaming, dying, the sounds of steel clanging and arrows whistling in every direction. 

My lungs were on fire and it seemed like the sky was as well. 

A strong hand was clasped around my own and it pulled me through the haze of smoke and  blood.

My breath was coming out raggedly and pieces of hair were sticking to my sweat drenched face, but I managed to stumble behind Solas. Our feet pounded up the stone stairs that would lead us to the door where Clarel and Erimond awaited on the other side.

My throat was raw from screaming out directions to Leires and from the sheer terror that those fucking Pride demons brought. Nevermind the crazed templars and the regular mobs, it was definitely those giant hulking green lizards that took the prize. Their laughter had always creeped me out in-game and now when I was actually  _in_ game, it positively made my flesh crawl and the hair stand up on the back of my neck. 

"Clarel must be on the other side!" Leires' shout came from ahead of us where she stood pointing to the door.

She turned to me, eyes wide and apprehensive. Her face was streaked with blood and grime, her white hair matted against the sides of her face. There was a concentration of dried blood caked on her shoulder where she had taken a nasty blow from a Pride demon's lightning whip. I flinched inwardly, remembering the piercing sound that it made when it cracked down, followed by that hideous laughter.

"It's okay," I told her as reassuringly as I could. "This is were you're supposed to be. You  _must_ get her to see the error of Erimond's ways. Appeal to her. Remind her of what the Wardens stood for."

"What  _do_ they stand for?" Hawke muttered angrily.

Stroud cast an angry glare in her direction. They had been sniping at each other the entire time and while it got annoying, I couldn't bring myself to tell them to shut up knowing what would be coming to either of them soon.

"Make sure to mention Corypheus." I said to Stroud, drawing his attention away from Hawke.

"Corypheus? So she does not know?" he asked, surprised.

I shook my head and he furrowed his brow at that.

"And you are sure we will succeed?" Cassandra's apprehensive voice came from my left.

"Absolutely."

Solas' grip on my hand tightened as Leires nodded and made to open the door. I squeezed it back to give him comfort and ran my thumb gently over his.

As the heavy doors opened up to the scene ahead, I hoped they wouldn't be  _too_ pissed when they found out I had left out our little upcoming trip to the Fade.

-

We arrived just in time to see the sacrifice happen. Clarel's knife sliced through the man's throat and down he went, blood spurting from his neck.

"Stop them! We must complete the ritual!" 

There was Erimond, master manipulator, pacing about in his immaculate white mage coat. It spoke volumes of how in control he was that not a speck of blood was on him and the toils of battle were absent from his face.

My eyes rose to meet his defiantly. 

_I hope she makes you Tranquil._

It was not a choice I had made. I had opted to turn him over to the Wardens, but after seeing how he abused his magic, I wanted to see it stripped from him.

Leires ignored him and faced Clarel instead.

"If you complete that ritual, you're doing exactly what Erimond wants!"

He scoffed and drew closer to the edge of the balcony he stood on.

"What, fighting the Blight? Keeping the world safe from darkspawn? Who wouldn't want  _that?_ " he spat at Leires. 

She kept her eyes on Clarel as if Erimond didn't exist, as if trying to will the older woman to see reason.

"And yes," continued Erimond, "The ritual requires blood sacrifice. Hate me for that if you must, but do not hate the Wardens for doing their duty."

Solas snorted with derision at that and I soothingly ran my thumb over his again. 

"We make the sacrifices no one else will. Our soldiers die proudly for a world that will never thank them." Clarel's voice rang out.

I looked to Stroud and nodded at him.

"And then your Tevinter ally binds the mages to Corypheus!" 

I watched as her eyebrows rose in surprise, doubt clouding her face for the first time. 

"Corypheus?" she whispered in disbelief. "But he's dead."

"These people will say anything to shake your confidence, Clarel." Erimond said vehemently.

But Clarel didn't seem to hear him. She looked on at Leires, her brow furrowing, a thousand thoughts dancing behind her eyes.

Was this when she changed her mind?

Clarel ran a hand over her face and then her eyes shifted towards the mages.

"Bring it through."

The light from the rift flickered chaotically, intensifying in brightness and I could hear the faraway laughter of a Pride demon as it drew closer to coming through. 

The anchor reacted to the nearby rift, flaring up, and Leires seemed to understand the urgency as she stepped forward to address Clarel.

"Think of the Wardens' legacy!" she called out to the woman, then turning to look around at the faces of the others. "You stopped the Blight at the Silent Planes. Starkhaven, Huntersfell, Ayesleigh, and Denerim."

She paused, letting the words sink in and surveying their expressions. My eyes, however, were on Solas' expression which grew more sour by the minute. I knew that if she took the Wardens in after all this was over, he'd be in a mood for a good week about it.

"The world owes you a debt it can never repay. I would not stand against you if I did not  _know_ you were being misused."

That did it.

There was a murmur among the Wardens and they turned to face their leader who was looking more and more doubtful by the second.

Erimond picked up on the scent and descended upon her.

"Clarel, we have come so far. You're the only one who can do this." he urged, a note of desperation creeping into his voice.

"Perhaps," she said slowly, looking him dead in the face as if to gauge his reaction, "We could test the truth of these charges. To avoid more bloodshed."

A shadow passed over Erimonds face.

"Or perhaps I should find a more reliable ally." he said coldly.

And then I remembered.

"Shit!" I hissed.

Leires half turned her head towards me and the others look in alarm.

"He's going to call down the dragon!" I whispered urgently to Leires.

Solas stiffened and I felt Dorian shift next to me, adjusting his staff in preparation for attack.

My heart was pounding and I could feel my fingers begin to grow cold and clammy. A single Pride demon was terrifying enough without having to think about that dragon. I remembered, with a shudder, the way it blew a torrent of flame at my party when chasing Clarel.

"Vhenan."

I looked up and blue-gray eyes were looking into mine with steely conviction.

"I promised you that I would protect you."

My mouth was too dry to reply but I nodded and gave him a weak smile.

_This isn't even the worst of it, still._

"Inquisitor!" 

All heads turned back to Erimond.

"My master thought you might come here," he said with a sadistic grin. "He sent me this to welcome you."

My eyes snapped up to the giant winged shadow that was circling above. It turned downwards and in a suddenly diving swoop, the dragon broke through the gray smoke and bore down upon us, its giant maw opening and letting loose a burst of electric red flames.

I heard myself scream and felt my body jerk sharply away, the blazing heat barely grazing me, but close enough for me to feel the heat. 

A bloodcurling shriek came from the goddamned thing as it landed on a parapet, surveying the entire courtyard below.

The barrier around me was back up, humming in full force.

"Don't exhert yourself." I told Solas. "I'll be okay."

"Now is  _not_ the time, Stella. I will spare no measure."

"Solas-"

"Help the Inquisitor!" 

Clarel had shouted her final order and was running now just as the Pride demon came through the rift and the dragon took off again.

"Forget the fucking demon!" I screamed to Leires who stood looking between the two for a moment. "We have to go after her!"

She took off, the rest of us following closely. I heard the familiar crack of the lightning whip behind me and the cries of whatever poor soul was struck. My legs worked harder to put distance between myself and the bellowing laughter.

Leires was ahead of us, drawing whatever demons came to her. She was followed closely by Cassandra, Hawke, and Stroud who cut them down and let her catch up to Clarel unfettered.

A shadow passed overhead as we rounded a corner and I spied the familiar corridor up ahead.

"Leires!" I called in warning, the dragon's shriek echoing my cry.

"GET DOWN!"

A fiery blast of flame engulfed the corridor and I found myself thrown to the ground. The barrier flickered for a moment as the red lightning came in contact with it. 

"It's moving! Come on!" cried Hawke, already rushing towards the demons ahead.

I scrambled to my feet, trying to ignore the dull ache that was building in my chest. 

_I really should have made good on that New Years resolution to go to the gym..._

"There!"

Clarel's figure was up ahead, disappearing as she rounded the corner, Leires closely following.

The sounds of spells being cast and shouting filled the air, becoming louder as we approached. 

I felt my stomach turn as we came to a halt in the parapet where Clarel and Erimond were trading blows.

"You've destroyed the Grey Wardens!" she shouted, advancing furiously and blasting him down.

We were moments away now.

"You did that yourself, you stupid bitch!" Erimond spat.

Another blast from Clarel.

I turned to my unsuspecting lover, suddenly very much afraid for what was to come.

"Solas, whatever happens, I-"

The giant shadow loomed again and our attention was diverted.

The dragon dove down, snatching Clarel up in its jaws and shaking her like a ragdoll before sending her reeling to the ground.

Her body hit the stone with a sickening smack and I was shocked to see her move, let alone get back up.

It advanced upon her slowly, predatory, and I felt myself edging back even though I wished I could help.

We were backing up to the edge that was meant to fall and I watched as Clarel turned on her back to look up at the dragon, a ball of lightning forming in her fist. The dragon beat its wings, creating a whirlwind of dust that pushed us further back.

"Solas!" I cried over the gusting wind. 

Our eyes met and I saw a flash of real fear in his. It was the wrong moment for it, but I found it so endearing. It made him more  _real._ Not this always calm, collected, stoic person. There was some vulnerability in there, after all.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

If he was going to ask me what, or brush me off, he never got the chance.

In that moment Clarel unleashed her lightning and the dragon roared, enraged, as it was sent careening towards us.

I threw myself out of the way and my ears throbbed as it released an earsplitting shriek when it went over.

One breath later, the entire parapet was crumbling and I was screaming as the floor beneath me gave way and I was being engulfed by green light.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THAT DLC THOUGH. Im thinking of how to work it into my fic now that Ive played through. So many tears.  
> Next chapter, the FADE ooooo  
> As always, thank you for your support, comments, and kudos!


	15. Down the Rabbit Hole

_I'm sorry, Stella. I just can't do this anymore._

_She's getting worse._

_If she would just get out of that bed..._

_Worthless._

Disembodied, hollow voices echoed in my head as I plummeted down through layers of green mist. Just as the ground seemed to rise up to meet me, it felt as if the air had become molasses and I slowed considerably, until my feet gently touched down.

"Oh, fuck." came Hawke's voice from my left.

She was looking up at the floating boulders and the viridian sky in utter bewilderment.

"Are we-" 

"The Fade." breathed Solas, his eyes bright and keen.

"The  _Fade?"_ came Cassandra's appalled voice from behind us. 

"Not the place that  _I_ would have chosen, of course, but fascinating nonetheless." Solas remarked.

"Concentrate on the task at hand, mage. There is nothing more dangerous than this place." 

"Thank you for the warning." he replied dryly.

"How is this even possible?" Leires asked, shaking her head in disbelief. 

Cassandra arched an eyebrow at her. 

"You don't know? After all,  _you_ have walked through the Fade once."

"Oh, she has a point. And here I had forgotten you weren't quite so plain." said Dorian who seemed to be taking this a great deal more lightly than the rest.

"Well, was it like this?" Hawke asked anxiously.

Leires shook her head and furrowed her brow at the odd shimmering stones.

"I don't remember, so I really can't say. Solas?"

"Mm?"

He was taking in the sight completely, marveling over this or that oddity.

"You visit the Fade often. Is this really it?"

He pondered that for a moment, slender fingers tapping his chin.

"While it is true I have walked the Fade quite frequently, it has never been like this. To be here in the flesh...that is another matter." He looked up, meeting her eyes. "But yes, I do believe this  _is_ indeed the Fade."

"Well that's fucking wonderful! Just supremely excellent news." Hawke snapped as she cast an angry look at Stroud as if this was all his fault.

"Hang on a minute." 

Cassandra stepped forward and locked her steely gaze on me.

"Did you know this would happen?"

The question hung between us for an eternity. I could feel all their eyes on me, suddenly aware of my supposed gift and this serious omission. 

I considered lying. But I wasn't Solas. I was never going to do it smoothly enough that they would believe me.

"Yes."

She looked like she was going to hit me. 

"And you didn't think to tell us?" she hissed, her dark eyes flashing dangerously.

"Would you really have come?" I countered. "Would you have let the Inquisitor risk falling into the Fade? I know Cullen wouldn't have, at least."

"We could have-"

"Could have what?" I snapped. " _Prepared?_ How do you prepare for entering the Fade physically?"

There was the sound of a light step and Leires stood beside Cassandra. She placed a hand on her shoulder gently.

"She's right, Cassandra. You know that if we had known, we'd still be back at Skyhold with Cullen threatening to lock me somewhere safe."

There was a small smile playing on her lips and I felt the knot in my gut loosen.

"I suppose." the other woman conceded begrudgingly. 

Leires turned her violet eyes to me.

"Is there a way out?"

"Yes."

"Will you take us?"

"No."

She looked startled.

"What?"

I smiled at her and turned to face the hill we would soon climb.

"There is someone waiting to see you. She will guide you."

Maybe all those cryptic characters in books and games were actually players that had already done a few playthroughs.

\--

" _Divine Justinia?_ " Cassandra balked at the ethereal woman.

She was more wrinkly in person than the game had detailed. It was like her  _wrinkles_ had wrinkles. Her eyes were even more piercing in reality, yet not in the same creepy manner I had first perceived when playing. She exuded an aura of calm that was like a balm on my frayed nerves, like she was just someone's kindly old granma and was going to bring out a batch of cookies.

Divine Justinia, or the spirit wearing her face, turned her silvery-blue eyes to me and tilted her head as if pondering.

"Another curiosity, then," she said after a moment with a small smile.

"Is it really you?" Cassandra pressed.

"The Divine is dead," cut in Stroud, looking at the woman before us warily. "I fear what is before is a spirit..or a demon."

"A debate that calls for time we do not have," the spirit answered him kindly and turned to Leires. "I am here to help you, Inquisitor."

"How could you possibly know...?"

"I have examined memories like yours, stolen by the demon that serves Corypheus. It is the nightmare that you forget upon waking..."

"Leires," I said softly, "It's okay. This spirit is going to help us get out of here. You have to recover your memories before we can do that though."

"How?" she asked, her voice trembling. "I've tried so many times..."

"You'll find them here. You have to fight the fears the Nightmare throws at you. Then you'll remember."

I felt a ghost of a breath across my face and turned to find the Divine had floated close to me.

"None like you have I seen in my time here. Not spirit, not truly whole. What then?" she mused, pale eyes regarding me curiously. 

"I'm still trying to figure it out myself." I admitted.

She smiled pleasantly and nodded. "Just so."

"What  _did_ happen at the Temple of Sacred Ashes?" Leires asked. _  
_

Justinia raised her hand, gesturing behind her to where green energy had begun to stir.

"Find out. These are your memories, Inquisitor. Recover them and defeat the Nightmare."

I felt Solas' barrier envelope me immediately when the first shade formed.

"Get back!"

I stumbled backwards away from the hissing shades and the volley of fire that Solas hurled forth.

"Kill the shades and you'll recover the memories!" I shouted to Leires.

It was not long before I heard the first echoing voice of a memory being recovered.

_Bring forth the sacrifice._

I saw Leires' hand fly to her head as if in sudden pain, then stumble forward to finish the next shade.

_Run while you can! Warn them!_

"On your left!"

A crack of lightning seared the third shade and Dorian's smug expression told me who had cast that particular killing blow.

_Bring forth the sacrifice._

_Why are you doing this? You of all people?_

Her head snapped back and her eyes rolled into her head, her body illuminated by the same eerie green light.

"What's happening to her?!" Hawke shouted in panic.

"It's alright! She's remembering!" I called out.

We were all watching the same memory. Justinia suspended in midair, Corypheus grappling the orb, the Wardens surrounding her as they sustained the spell, Leires bursting in. The fateful moment when the orb was caught by her.

"So your mark did not come from Andraste, but that orb." Stroud said slowly, shaking his head as if to clear the fog of the vision.

"I never claimed otherwise." said Leires as she rubbed her head.

As the Divine explained about Corypheus trying to enter the Black City, I was growing antsy. As fascinating as this was in person, I knew we  _had_  to get out of here as soon as possible. This wasn't like being behind the screen. Time actually mattered here. 

"We need to get going." I said abruptly.

Justinia nodded. "I will prepare the way ahead."

Hawke and Stroud took the opportunity to begin sniping at each other. I turned away from their argument and drew close to Solas.

"I'm sorry." I said in a low voice. "I wanted to tell you.."

"There is no need for apology," he said, taking my hand. "I have long understood there are things only you may know until they reveal themselves."

I thought about the graveyard that lay ahead and the gravestone with his name and fear on it.

"I want you to know, Solas, that you're not alone."

To him it must have seemed an odd and random statement to make then and there, but nonetheless, he kissed my forehead and we turned to go on.

\--

_Ah, we have a visitor. Some silly little girl has come to take back the fear I so kindly lifted from her._

Hawke growled angrily as she rammed the pommel of her sword on the back of a Greater Shade's skull.

It shrieked and erupted into a puddle of acidic black blood.

"Move! Move!"

My thighs were burning as I ran up the eroded stone steps and past the giant Tevinter statues the held their emerald flamed torches.

Something was tickling my brain, but I didn't know what until I heard Cassandra's startled cry from in front of me.

" _What are those things?!"_

My stomach lurched.

Slowly, I dragged my eyes up to the moving figures ahead. 

My mother was the first face I recognized. Her features were distorted, her grin too wide, her brow too furrowed, and her eyes black and steely.

"Worthless." she rasped. 

My father ran towards me, his eyes glinting in the green light, face contorted in rage, his hands balled into fists and ready to pummel me.

I forgot all reason and screamed.

"NO! PLEASE!" 

My hands clapped over my ears and I shut my eyes against the sight, sinking down to the ground, waiting for the blows to fall.

There was an angry growl as the thing hurtled towards me.

The barrier flickered and my shrill screams pierced the air as I felt hands come down on me.

"STELLA!"

" _NO! NO!"_

"VHENAN!" 

My eyes snapped open and Solas was crouched over me protectively, his eyes wide in alarm.

The shade lay dead, no longer in the form of my father.

"I'm sorry, I saw..I.." I blubbered incoherently as he pulled me up, gently thumbing the tears from my eyes.

"Maggots." Cassandra shuddered.

"You saw _maggots_?" Dorian asked.

"Didn't you?" she turned, surprised.

"It seems they took on the form of whatever fear we hold." Leires said, looking disdainfully down at the corpses.

"They were merely illusions." Solas explained reassuringly. "Come. We are soon through this place."

I nodded meekly and followed him closely.

\--

How long had we been here?

I was losing track of time.

The green light seemed to permeate through everything and I began to forget what other colors looked like.

Did it really take this long during my playthroughs? Surely not...

Was I even really here?

Shade after shade was downed. We ran up stairs, through strange and haphazard corridors, past broken eluvians. It seemed endless.

The voice came sometimes, mocking us with out greatest fears.

_Do you think anyone really loves you?_

_You are a burden._

_You are selfish._

_Even in death you cause them pain and suffering._

_Worthless._

"Shut _up_." I growled.

I was dizzy and claustrophobic by the time we arrived at a familiar spot. A green barrier loomed ahead, guarded by demons.

As I watched Cassandra cleave one cleanly down the middle, I thought about the boss battle to come.

It was all fun and games being here when I was in the safety of Skyhold. But bolting through Adamant, dodging Pride demons, being this scared little mouse that relied on the protection of others...

_If I live to see the end of this, I promise I'm going to take up some sort of arms..._

But even with a sword in hand, I knew I would feel vulnerable in this world full of magic. 

_Blood magic brought you here._

Solas had said he thought so himself.

I looked down at my hands.

_I wonder..._

But Leires had entered her second memory and all thoughts of blood magic were whisked away as we watched her claw her way out of the Fade.

"It was you." she whispered. 

The figure of the Divine shifted and turned to us.

"Yes."

"So this creature is simply a spirit." Stroud said softly.

"And for all we know, it's working with Corpyheus." Hawke muttered, eyeing the figure suspiciously.

"If you believe that, strike me down." it returned.

Hawke frowned and looked away, conflicted.

Justinia's face twitched and a blinding light pored from where her eyes had just been. She seemed to burst into flames, but instead of a violent flare, a warm light poured forth and took the form of a small fairy woman.

An argument erupted then between Stroud and Hawke about the Wardens.

"-drunk on blood magic! They've gone mad.  _Someone_ has to stop them!"

Solas opened his mouth to agree, but I cut across him before Leires even got a chance to intervene.

" _This is not the time or place!"_  I hissed, as I heard the stirring sounds of shades scuttling behind us.

Stroud and Hawke looked up in surprise.

I didn't add that there would be more time to discuss it afterwards.

Because for one of them, there wouldn't be.

There was a shriek behind me and I felt the familiar touch of the shield come up.

"The Nightmare has found us."

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh god im so sorry for this riordan fixation ive got going on. IVE TRIPLED CHECKED. STROUD STROUD STROUD


	16. The Nightmare

It seemed never ending.  

More running, more spiders, more disembodied voices taunting us.  

The sickening green hue of the Fade was giving me a pounding headache and I was desperate for any other color. 

The sweat was running down my back and the  Highever weave shirt I wore under the thin ringmail clung to my skin uncomfortably. With every step I ran I felt the metal rings weighing me down more and more.  

I wanted to scream and tear my hair out in sheer frustration every time we entered a new area and nothing but monsters awaited us. The spirit that was guiding us did not reappear and I began to wonder if a glitch could still happen in this reality.  

The tensions between Hawke and Stroud were at an all time high and they constantly snapped and barked at each other to the point that Leires stopped giving a shit and didn't bother to try and stop them. The rest of the group was silent and I knew they were all feeling the exhaustion and same sense of desperation to get the hell out of here that I was. 

Leires had stopped for a moment by a broken eluvian to hand out potions and lyrium while everyone else adjusted their gear and took a breather. 

"How much longer?" She asked in a low voice when I approached. 

I glanced around at the others. 

Cassandra was bandaging a cut on her forearm that she had taken from one of those abnormally large spiders. She had a look of revulsion on her face when she picked off a piece of spiderweb from her hair. 

Dorian had drunk a lyrium potion and was leaning against a rock, his staff resting next to him, looking tired but determined.  

Solas inspecting a pile of bones in a corner, probably one of the ones that offered a side quest, which was great when I was sitting in a cushiony chair and could pause and save, but not now. The mere thought of doing anything extra in that very moment made me grind my teeth in irritation. 

Hawke and Stroud were fiddling with their gear and pointedly not even looking at each other, presumably saving up all their bickering for when we were in the thick of another fight. 

They all seemed occupied enough so I when I turned back to Leires I answered her honestly. 

"I don't know." 

She gave me a grim look. 

"I'm sorry." I whispered, taking care to not distress the others. "Time seems to move faster in my visions. All I know is that there _will_ be an end." 

"If it isn't soon, the only end will be ours. We can't hold out for much longer. Supplies are almost out." 

I recalled the small area with crates before the boss battle. 

"Don't worry about that, we will be able to restock soon enough." 

She said nothing to that and soon after we were marching on through the Fade again. 

 

* * *

 

It felt like time had stopped flowing by the time we reached the green barrier that separated us from the spirit. 

"Kill the demons to destroy the barrier!" I cried out. 

The party was in bad shape. 

I could see Hawke lagging when she swung her sword, Cassandra moving just a bit slower.  

Dorian and Leires were casting fire and ice but they were out of sync and I could tell they were both drained and their focus was off. 

Even Solas seemed to be having difficulty managing the barrier as well as firing off mind blasts.  

I tried not to think about the horror that awaited once when barrier fell and we crossed through. 

Of who wasn't going to make it out. 

I watched Hawke dodge a swipe from a clawed hand, her black ponytail whipping back, her bright eyes flashing with fury.  

 _Will Fenris get to look into those eyes again? Run his fingers through that hair?_  

Then there was Stroud, driving his sword through a demon's chest, his brow furrowed and his mustache twitching as he snarled. 

 _Will the Wardens lose the last true leader they have?_  

Time suddenly seemed to speed up again. 

The barrier was falling. 

We were racing towards Justinia. 

I suddenly felt a tightness in my chest knowing that soon one of these two wonderful people were going to be sacrificed. 

My eyes tried to drink in as much as them as I could before they were gone forever. 

The spirit was speaking again, urging Leires to run, to slam the rift shut with all her strength. 

Every footfall felt heavier than the last, every breath became more ragged. It was coming now, the Nightmare was coming, the demon would soon appear.    
   
Hawke was running beside me and Stroud was just a bit ahead. They both seemed so determined, so blissfully unaware of the coming decision. 

 _I'm sorry_ _._  

"The rift! We're almost there!" 

I looked up and could see a bright light pouring from up ahead. 

And the hulking Lovecraftian monster that came with it. 

I wanted to throw up from how revolting the thing was in person. It was all holes and fangs thrown on the shape of a massive spider like some trypophobic-arachnophobic abomination. The name The Nightmare was entirely appropriate.  

In front of it, its minion, that skeletal spider thing floated, waiting to enter the fight. 

Leires came to a skidding stop, her gaze frozen on the massive monster that blocked the way to the rift. 

Everyone was looking at it and I could practically hear their thoughts that there was no way we could take it down. 

Cassandra turned to me, her mouth opening to ask just that probably. 

But the spirit floated ahead of us then, rising to meet the ghastly thing. 

"If you would, please, tell Leliana 'I am sorry, I failed you too.' " the ethereal voice sang before bursting into a blinding light that stunned the hulking beast. 

I stumbled backwards and looked up in time to see the Aspect of the Nightmare rising and preparing to strike. 

Hawke's sword flashed brightly in the light of the rift as she charged to meet it. Stroud and Cassandra were at her back dealing with the spiders that spawned around it, while Dorian, Leires, and Solas cast a myriad of spells that left a magical web of fire, ice, and lightning.  

It was a long battle. 

I spent most of it dodging and running and staying within the barrier that Solas had cast around me. 

The Aspect was a horrible thing that would disappear from time to time and swarm the area with monsters.  

It appeared once behind me and I let out a bloodcurdling scream as its spindly fingers reached for me before Cassandra's sword appeared and severed the arm. 

The fight was winding down when I was able to focus for a moment on the scene before me. 

Hawke and Stroud acting as a team, covering each other, steel swords bearing down in sync to kill the demon. The knot in my heart tightened. 

And then it was over. 

The Aspect fell with a horrid shriek, spraying its black blood over the pair of them. 

Stroud wiped it off his mustache before flashing a grin at Hawke. 

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Don't get too comfortable now." 

He laughed and they were turning now, running towards the rift, eyes to the sky and looking hopeful. 

I sucked in a breath as there was a movement from above and the Nightmare returned, placing itself between us and the rift. 

"We need to clear a path!" Stroud shouted. 

Leires turned around and looked at us with despair, her eyes wild. 

"We can't fight it! We barely made it through the last one!" 

Hawke turned then to look at Leires. 

"Go," she said calmly, "I'll cover you." 

"No." Stroud said, shaking his head. "You were right. The Wardens started this. One of us-" 

" _One of you_ will need to help rebuild the order." Hawke interrupted him, a look of finality in her eyes. "Corypheus is mine." 

" _Please!"_ Cassandra all but shrieked. "This is not the time for more of your bickering!" 

The Nightmare was coming closer, its shadow growing larger and blocking the rift further. 

Hawke and Stroud both turned to Leires expectantly. 

My heart went out to her as she closed her eyes for half a second before opening them and shifting her gaze. 

"Stroud." 

He bowed his head and looked at us all before turning back to Leires. 

"Inquisitor. It has been an honor." 

And he was gone then, nothing but a blur of steel and armor, and I could've sworn he was whistling even as we ran. The tears that streaked down my face cut through the blood and sweat that was smeared there and I saw nothing but blurry brightness ahead.

The only thing that felt real was  Solas' hand gripping mine tightly as we threw ourselves into the light and the world around us exploded for the second time. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to apologize for the long and unexpected hiatus. The past year and a half has been extremely crazy. I am finally settling back into a stable environment and routine and I wanted to pick this up again. I have to say that this was not a fun chapter for me. I really hated the fade mission and I was very happy to get it over with. Another (longer) chapter will be up either tomorrow or the day after.


	17. Chapter 17

The events that followed being puked up by the Fade were all a blur. Exhaustion and shot nerves had taken their toll on me and I barely registered when Leires told the Wardens to stay and fight for the Inquisition. I didn't have to turn my head to know that Solas was scowling. I didn't envy the argument that would ensue between them later and I was happy to just have sky above me again.

And while it hurt to think of Stroud's death, his body left somewhere among glitter green rocks and demons, the edge was taken off when I saw the look of relief on Varric's face when his eyes fell on Hawke.

Hawke's face was lined with grief and I knew she would be blaming herself for the Warden's death. It had always been like her to shoulder the blame and internalize the guilt for the bad that happened around her.

A hand rested on my shoulder and brought me back to myself. I looked up to see Dorian looking tired but smiling kindly.

"We're preparing to move out. Cullen's got a few units doing clean up duty here but the rest of us are heading back."

I nodded and let him steer me away from the people crowding Leires. I spared a glance her way before heading towards the stony steps. She seemed so small, just a head of silver hair swarmed by people who wanted to thank her or damn her. I spied Vivienne, Solas, and Cassandra off to theside, their faces grim and disapproving. It seemed that quarrel would not wait until Skyhold and I looked around for anyone who might stand for her but did not see Iron Bull's hulking figure nor Sera. And with Dorian leaving with me, Leires was truly without any ally.  And yet, as much as I wanted to reach out and help her, I was far too tired to protest against Dorian's gentle nudges. 

I didn't even have time or the will to talk to Solas and the mood he was in, I wasn't even upset about it. Truthfully it was one of the last things on my mind at the time.

We stepped over bodies of dead red templars, wardens, Inquisition forces, and demons alike. There were small pockets where fires were burning and mages were putting them out with frost spells. Soldiers were dragging bodies off to the side, allied soldiers in one pile, enemies in another. Healers had made makeshift tents wherever there were high casualties and were treating the injured, often running from one station to another as there was a shortage of them compared to the number of wounded. The air in the fortress was smokey and heavy, despite the lack of offensive spells and boulders flying around. And even though we had won the battle, the mood was not one of victory. People were exhausted, on edge, running from one place to another, caked in blood and soot. 

We passed through the gate that had been completely smashed open, scorch marks marring the stone. Cullen was giving orders to a group of men as we walked by to the caravans. He looked up and nodded at us before turning back to the men. The bags under his eyes seemed a bit more pronounced and his hair was matted with sweat, but in true Cullen fashion, he didn't look any less handsome for it. 

Dorian ushered me into an Inquisition caravan meant to carry supplies but it had been converted for transporting the remaining forces back to Skyhold.

I sat down and leaned back against a grain sack, allowing myself a moment of respite. The weight of the entire day seeped into my very bones and I felt as heavy as lead. Dorian sat next to me and after the caravan was stockpiled with looted supply, the door shut and I heard the creak of the driver mounting the wooden seat up front.

For a while the only sound was the wheels turning and the clopping of hooves, occasionally voices of soldiers we passed as we made our way out of the area of the fortress entirely.

I had my eyes closed but was awake and simply listening.

"Are you awake?" Dorian's voice came softly from beside me.

"Yeah." I rasped, my voice coming out as raw as I felt.

"Which part do you keep reliving?"

I was silent for a while. Different images flashed behind my closed eyelids, from the distorted visions of my parents and friends mocking me to the last time I saw Stroud smile at Hawke when he was wiping black blood from his mustache. I couldn't get over my guilt as we ran towards the rift and he remained, his sword whipping through the air and sinking into the Nightmare's flesh. The last thing I heard before the world went quiet was his cheerful whistling.

"Stroud." I said finally. "I just can't get over having to leave him. I wonder how long it took before he died. Alone.."

Dorian's hand moved over mine and I gripped him back.

"It's worse in your head. We fill in the blanks and make it more terrible than it was."

I opened my eyes and my head towards him.

"You don't think dying alone in the Fade is a terrible fate?"

Dorian sighed and I saw from his half lidded eyes and the set of his mouth just how tired he was.

"I am saying that Stroud saw it differently. His chance at redemption, one last moment to clear the wrong the Wardens had done."

I leaned back again but kept my hand in his.

"It wasn't Strouds fault alone."

"No," Dorian said mournfully, "it was not. But it was his action alone, I believe, that led Leires to take in his order rather than exile them. His death was not for nothing and we should take heart in that at least."

I said nothing else to that and we continued the journey in a comfortable silence. Eventually I heard Dorian's breathing becoming heavier and I knew he had dozed off. 

With one last thought of Stroud, I fell asleep to the memory of a cheerful whistling song.

* * *

 

 

It was another day before the rest of the group arrived. I had already bathed off the scent of death the previous night and with a hot meal and soft bed was feeling more rejuvenated than when I first arrived.

Dorian had disappeared into his quarters and I didn't see him until breakfast the next morning looking refreshed and skin back to its impeccable glow.

"You'd think Adamant was a resort." I told him over my cup of tea.

"Ah yes, blood facials are all the rage this year. Does wonders for the skin."

The mood was far better in the morning light and in the comfort of the castle. But as I eyed our scarcely touched food, I knew that the shadow of the last 48 hours still lingered over both of us. Still, we fell into an easy conversation and neither of us mentioned what had happened.

"I noticed you didn't wait for your beloved." Dorian said suddenly.

I sighed and leaned back against the hard wooden back of the chair. Leliana had a complete Orlesian dining set brought in and they were the most uncomfortable things ever, but no one dared suggest that to her.

"No, but it wasn't really the time. I knew he'd disapprove of her decision to keep the Wardens and it looked like he, Viv, and Cassandra were going in for the kill before we left. He's probably still in a foul mood over it."

"I commend her on her choice, controversial as it may be. But I see no reason for him to take it out on you."

"No, but tensions were running high and we were all exhausted. I didn't want to chance us getting into an argument over it either." 

Dorian swirled the wine in his glass and looked at it thoughtfully for a moment. 

"I take it your views on the matter do not align with his, then?"

I shook my head.

"No way. I've had visions of the Hero of Ferelden during the Blight. Of the wardens who lived and died fighting darkspawn and saving lives. Whatever has happened to the Order now, I can only hope they will fall in line under the Inquisition. I could never condemn them all for the actions of fanatics."

"If only more had your gift, perhaps they would feel the same." Dorian replied with a small smile.

"Maybe." I said with a shrug. "But people always choose to interpret things however they want no matter what their eyes see anyway."

"Mm."

After breakfast, he went back upstairs to his usual armchair haunt and I went back to my room. I pulled out the tome of world history I had been going through and began reading about the Alamarri tribes. I must have dozed off because the next moment I was waking to a light knocking on my door.

Wiping the sleep from my face, I opened the door and was greeted by Leires.

"Welcome back." I said groggily. "Sorry, I just woke up from a nap."

An instant look of regret flashed across her face.

"Oh! I'm sorry, I just came by without thinking. Of course, you must still be exhausted from yesterday."

"No, no, it's fine." I said, shaking my head. "Do you want to come in?"

She nodded and stepped into the room, her eyes scanning the minor decor. It was mostly piles of books I had taken from the library, burnt down candles, a few tapestries that I'd found in a chest and weren't moth eaten. A hand-knitted quilt covered the bed, a gift from one of the refugees whom I had helped get set up here. And one crude drawing from Sera which I had tacked onto the wall next to my bed.

"Well its not Halamshiral, but we make due with what we have." I said smiling.

She smiled back and shook her head. 

"I wasn't judging. I find it amazing how cozy you've made it look with the lack of furniture we have around here."

"Yea, well."

Awkward silence.

"So..what brings you by? I mean you never really come up here." I asked, genuinely curious.

She looked tired as she sat down and I could only imagine how crushed she must feel under the weight over everything that had happened and everything that was to come.

"It's just..did I make the right choice? With Stroud?"

I opened my mouth to respond but the words died on my tongue.

How was I supposed to answer that?

I couldn't very well tell her that in the end it almost didn;'t matter. Someone would have died. We would have escaped. She'd still have to choose what to do with the Wardens. I couldn't imagine it would ease her guilt at all to say that. 

She was looking up at my expectantly, waiting for a reply.

So I said the only thing I could think of. 

"Of course you did. Stroud was the right choice, Leires. I saw both paths. Hawke's death would have been more loss than gain. Stroud died believing he was redeeming the order and in a way that happened. It helped you to decide to let them join the Inquisition. You gave a man his honor back and you gave an entire order a purpose again."

She seemed to brighten a bit at that and sat a little straighter. 

"Speaking of Halamshiral, Leliana is already talking about making preparations to attend the ball." she said and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Not one day back and already we are jumping onto something else."

"It'll be alright. Certainly not the clusterfuck that Adamant was." I said.

She looked up and raised her eyebrow. "So you know. What have you seen?"

"Nothing you can't handle." I said with a smile. "Honestly, you're actually going to be able to enjoy yourself a bit."

She let out a breath she had been holding in. "Well that's a relief."

"Though," I said with a smirk, "you should keep an eye on Cullen. The rest of the Orlesian women certainly will.

Leires scowled.

* * *

 

The sky was a light purple when I went to see Solas.

He was in his rotunda and when I knocked on the door I had a slight moment of doubt. Perhaps he wanted to be left alone and thats why he didn't come to me first? But there was no time to reconsider because a second later the door opened.

"Hi." I breathed out.

"I am sorry I did not come sooner," he began as he stood aside so I could step into the room. "I thought it wise to visit the baths first and perhaps attempt to eat."

"Hmm you do smell like pine instead of the sweet perfume of blood and scorched earth." I said, smiling. 

"If only the memory of that place were so easy to wash off." he replied as leaned down to kiss my brow. 

I closed my eyes against his soft lips and let the easy calm that he brought wash over me.

"I know. The memory of leaving Stroud behind still replays in my mind. And if I never see that sickening green hue again it'll be too soon."

He nodded solemnly. "Stroud was a honorable man."

I raised an eyebrow at that. "Did you just call a Grey Warden  _honorable?_ "

"I take it you heard of my discussion with the Inquistor."

"Not exactly, but your face after she made her announcement told spoke volumes."

"And it seems that I could literally speak volumes and it would fall upon deaf ears." he said bitterly.

"She's doing the best she can, Solas."

"Forgive me, vhenan," he said as he pulled away, "But the entire idea of this is unnerving."

"I don't want to argue with you about this. We will have to simply agree to disagree." I said amicably. 

He rubbed his eyes tiredly and I realized he probably hadn't slept for over a day now, a feat where Solas was concerned.

"I am sorry. I do not wish to quarrel either, and I find it poor behavior on my part to do so when you have come with such good intentions."

I wrapped my arms around him and felt him lean into the embrace.

"We're all tired and its taken its toll on us."

I pulled back and kissed him gently.

His eyes seemed even stormier as they searched mine as if the darkness of the past few days had creeped into them. 

"How are you? Truthfully."

I looked back at him for a moment before looking away towards one of the blank walls he had yet to set a brush to.

"Honestly? I knew what was going to happen. But it didn't make it any better. It was so much worse, in fact, being there in person. Realizing he wasn't just an image I watched, but he was a real person who laughed and breathed. And then he was gone."

There was a familiar tightness in my chest again. 

"I just..I keep wondering. What happens when you die in the Fade? When is the next time anyone will walk the Fade? Will they find his bones? Will he become another artifact there among the broken eluvians and discarded things?"

I felt his fingers before I felt the tears dampening my face. He was gently brushing them off and his eyes were sorrowful and looking into mine.

"It reminds you of what happened." he said quietly.

"What?"

"Stroud's death. Your passing into this world. Perhaps you feel it more intensely because you compare the two. Will someone find the body you left behind? Will you become another memory?"

I didn't want to feel the emotions he was digging up. And yet the knot in my chest was loosening with every tear and his words were washing over my heart like a balm.

"No one will forget Stroud. His spirit has moved on, and though his bones may be left in the Fade, it does not mean he or his legacy will be forgotten."

His thumb smoothed over my cheek.

"No one would ever forget you, vhenan. No matter how you left, no matter what you may think they thought. Whatever quarrels I had with Stroud because of his order, it pains me that he died. And those quarrels would never taint the memory of him."

I pictured my parents in a different light then. I imagined them crying, coming into my bedroom and looking around, hoping maybe I'd come in at any moment. Was there a body even? Did I just fall through here whole? Would they have no closure, like with Stroud? Not a single physical thing to bury and to put a headstone to? 

For the first time since I had come, I felt the stirring of an urge to go back. Or at least have the ability to tell them I was okay.

It shook me to my core and even after I had wiped my tears and dried my eyes and Solas has walked me to my room, I felt rattled. 

Laying in my bed, pulling the knitted quilt tight to my chest, I let my thoughts wander.

And they arrived at a destination close by, through a small garden in Skyhold.

An eluvian was housed here.

And one day it in the coming future it would be active again. 

A piece of game conversation flitted through my head then about The Crossroads leading to other worlds.

Maybe one of the paths would lead to mine.

It was a possbility.

A hope.

And it was enough to calm my heart for the time being and I closed my eyes and drifted into an dreamless sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! Here's a much longer chapter as promised. I am really looking forward to writing about Halamshiral! That was hands down one of my favorite missions in the game, made better by dress mods that came later.
> 
> So on to what happened. Last year was really hectic. I ended up having a pretty bad stalker situation to the point that they were walking by my house, neighbors would see him at night trying to look in the windows. Many of them caught him in photos or videos doing this and it really helped when I went to the police. Long story short, after many months of this and getting a restraining order, I came home one day and found my back door open. I called the police and they came and searched the house and thankfully no one was there, but someone had splashed red paint all down my basement stairs. It was enough for me to nope the fuck out and I had to completely move out and transfer jobs. Its been a real ordeal and for a long time I was really paranoid and anxious that this guy was going to find my new place. About a month ago I was contacted by one of the officers who had been involved in my case and he let me know my stalker had been arrested for aggravated assault and attempted rape of a woman. Obviously there will be a trial but if hes convicted he could be going away for at least 10-15. I hope to god he does get convicted. Knowing he would be behind bars give me such peace of mind. So yea thats basically whats been going on and it kind of left me in no place to do any kind of creative writing with my anxiety being sky high and whatnot. Hopefully I can get back into the swing of things and deliver a great fic to you guys. 
> 
> I really love everyone who had stayed on reading and commenting even though its been ages. And for those who commented when I posted last nights chapter! It makes my heart sing to know you even remember this little piece :')


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